Me: Please be honest. What is it about me that makes me so easy to leave?
X: Jackass... We're divorced. After all we've been through, do you honestly think I'd be sitting next to you, in a movie theater, at midnight on a Thursday, if you were easy to leave?!Fine, I'll admit - dude's got a point.
But, as I explained to him, it still feels like I'm easy to leave. Big did it - he said I was wonderful, we had fun together, he thought I was "a great catch," blah, blah, blah - but he still left. Trooper said he meant all the stuff about wanting a relationship, and being happy to have met me, etc. Then he left.
So, if people can meet me and have those feelings - what is it about me that makes it so easy for the feelings to just go away? Sure, the guys still want to be friends (which, I pointed out to X, is all he and I are). Everyone wants to be my friend.
[Believe me, I'm not discounting friendships. They're important; in fact, at times, your friends are the most important people in your life.]
But that doesn't answer my question. Others find love, and happily ever after. Others find a guy who can't stop thinking about her, who won't go away (even if she asks), and who will do anything to be with her. All I'm looking for is the same thing other people have found.
Is that too much to ask?
If I'd answered that question a couple of weeks ago, I'd have said that yes, obviously, for me it is too much to ask. I'd have told you that I feel like maybe I'm just not meant to be happy. Maybe I'm just not good enough. Maybe I've blown the only chances I'll ever get.
Now - I'm not so sure I'd say the same. I'm getting to a point where I feel more...hopeful. Like maybe, as wonderful as this relationship was, something even more wonderful is just waiting for me to be ready. After all - in the weeks after Big left, if you'd have told me that a year later, I'd meet a man who was a thousand times more wonderful, and find a relationship that made me happier than I ever thought I could be - I wouldn't have believed you.
Maybe my friends are right. And if they don't find me easy to leave...eventually, maybe I'll meet someone else who feels the same.