Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Easy to leave

Less than one week after Trooper ended things, I had this conversation with X.
Me: Please be honest. What is it about me that makes me so easy to leave?
X: Jackass... We're divorced. After all we've been through, do you honestly think I'd be sitting next to you, in a movie theater, at midnight on a Thursday, if you were easy to leave?!
Fine, I'll admit - dude's got a point.

But, as I explained to him, it still feels like I'm easy to leave. Big did it - he said I was wonderful, we had fun together, he thought I was "a great catch," blah, blah, blah - but he still left. Trooper said he meant all the stuff about wanting a relationship, and being happy to have met me, etc. Then he left.

So, if people can meet me and have those feelings - what is it about me that makes it so easy for the feelings to just go away? Sure, the guys still want to be friends (which, I pointed out to X, is all he and I are). Everyone wants to be my friend.

[Believe me, I'm not discounting friendships. They're important; in fact, at times, your friends are the most important people in your life.]

But that doesn't answer my question. Others find love, and happily ever after. Others find a guy who can't stop thinking about her, who won't go away (even if she asks), and who will do anything to be with her. All I'm looking for is the same thing other people have found.

Is that too much to ask?

If I'd answered that question a couple of weeks ago, I'd have said that yes, obviously, for me it is too much to ask. I'd have told you that I feel like maybe I'm just not meant to be happy. Maybe I'm just not good enough. Maybe I've blown the only chances I'll ever get.

Now - I'm not so sure I'd say the same. I'm getting to a point where I feel more...hopeful. Like maybe, as wonderful as this relationship was, something even more wonderful is just waiting for me to be ready. After all - in the weeks after Big left, if you'd have told me that a year later, I'd meet a man who was a thousand times more wonderful, and find a relationship that made me happier than I ever thought I could be - I wouldn't have believed you.

Maybe my friends are right. And if they don't find me easy to leave...eventually, maybe I'll meet someone else who feels the same.


  1. I don't know that I said it in that email yesterday, but sometimes it is like we are the same person. Everyone *loves* me, no one wants to be with me. Gets annoying after awhile!

    1. I agree, it does. I guess the trick is not to give up hope. Maybe we're just so darn awesome, it takes a really long time to make a guy who can match up. :)

    2. I feel exactly the same way, girls. Or, for me, it's "Did you know what a crush I had on you in 199X?" Well, no ... because you didn't TELL ME which is WHY WE ARE JUST FRIENDS. So freaking annoying.

      *hugs*, my friend. You'll get through this. You're by far one of the strongest people I know.

  2. *tears up*

    I feel for you.
    I really do.

    Venting is good, so I'm not going to try and psycho-babble you to death.

    It sucks to feel this way.

    But, we do not know what will happen along the path.
    Just remember, your life is a mystery that you will uncover ONE DAY AT A TIME.

    1. This post is a lot of venting. It just represents the way I think everyone feels at some point, especially after a failed relationship.

      I'm getting hopeful. And I'm happy to keep going along, discovering what's next. :)

  3. I'm pretty sure you have a guy who won't go away.

    My theory is that you are truly wonderful and they want to be with you so they try, but ultimately because they're broken someway they can't be with you the way you deserve.

    1. I just adore you.

      Thank you so much for being my friend.

    2. Remember that later this summer as I pull my hair out and cry...and teach you to frost a cupcake ;)