The whole point of this blog is for me to share my experiences. Through sharing, others will hopefully see that they are not, in fact, crazy. There is at least one other person who understands where they've been and how they feel.
If I'm not 100% honest - that just isn't going to work.
So in the interest of full disclosure....
When Trooper first suggested that he and I take a vacation together, I freaked out a little. I specifically remember saying to my best friend, "I don't want to drop any money until I know he doesn't plan on leaving me."
About a month before we broke up, I told Engineer that I thought something was up with Trooper. The week before we broke up, I said the same thing.
A little more than a month before we broke up, I met a friend of Trooper's, who also happened to be his ex. I asked him why they never worked. Based on his response, I started to wonder if maybe he was the sort of guy who dated someone for just so long - and then walked away before he had to fully commit.
As recently as the day before he broke up with me, I found myself wondering if Trooper wouldn't eventually do the same with me. That maybe what we had at that point was all he had to give, and I wondered if it was enough for me?
Don't get me wrong - the breakup was still a complete surprise. All of these 'wonderings' were more abstract. I had no idea that anything actually was wrong, and I never saw the conversation coming the way that it did.
My counselor said to me, "It would be nice if everyone showed their red flags on the first date, but it doesn't always work that way. Sometimes, we don't see them until after the relationship has ended."
Hindsight is always 20/20. Looking back, I can see the red flags were there. I noticed them - and I rationalized them through other things that Trooper said or did, or by telling myself it was just me being over-sensitive, or hearing my friends say I shouldn't be worried.
I guess something I need to learn is to trust my own instincts and listen to my heart a little more. Apparently, it's a lot smarter than even I realize.