I told you about my fears, and how I gave in to them and asked Sparrow for a break.
Here's something I didn't mention.
A while back I was approached online by a guy who is normally someone in whom I'd have been very interested. I replied, saying thanks for the email, but I just started seeing someone.
He said he was leaving the site, and gave me his personal email in case "that doesn't work out." I responded in kind with my email, saying we could talk as friends if he wanted. Then I thought we were done.
We were not. (I realize now I should not have given him my email address. I'm overly polite, or naive, or he caught me in a bad moment. Whatever the reason - what's done is done.)
He has messaged me several times, and is clearly interested in dating, or at least getting to know me. I've been honest with him - right up to telling him that I was on a "break" but that truthfully, I really like "the guy" and would not be surprised if we try to work things out.
He thanked me for being so up front and not leading him on.
Then he asked if us getting married was "off the table." (I said, yes, it is off the table.)
Here's the deal....
This guy really has nothing to do with my doubts about my relationship. However, I am a person who believes that "cheating" starts long before anything physical happens. Emotional affairs are a very real thing, and while I don't think they ever really cause problems in a relationship, I do think they can aggravate those that already exists.
I've not met this person, and currently have no plans to do so. I'd be lying if I said the attention isn't flattering. I'd also be fooling myself if I said I wasn't a little sad at the idea that I might never get this kind of attention again. After all, this sort of exchange only happens when a relationship is new - and it's only new once.
But did even talking to this person get inside my head? Did it exaserbate what were already very real concerns, and get me to do something I wouldn't have otherwise?
That idea truly horrifies me. Not because I think I've done anything wrong. No one has been lied to or led on. I just really, truly, hate the idea that I am allowing myself to make clouded choices. That my choices aren't really my own, because I'm giving outside influences a power they should never have.
As if relationships aren't confusing enough, now I'm letting the cooties take over.