Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Here and now

I'm still going to see my counselor. I think he even thinks I might be more normal than I give myself credit for, but I'm not taking any chances. I feel like I could have handled the breakup with Trooper a lot better, and my reaction suggests I could use a little guidance.

Besides - what can it hurt to sit down once a month and talk to someone who is objective, and can give me some tips on how to deal with anxiety, stress, depression, etc.?

This past month, my topic of choice was how stressed I get over not knowing if I'm doing the right thing, and how my decisions to date someone now will affect my future. Specifically - how do I avoid the hurt?

I am afraid to trust, because I'm afraid that the minute I believe in a relationship, or someone's feelings, I'll have the rug pulled out from underneath me - again. But believe it or not - that's not my biggest fear.

The thing I fear the most is doing anything that will make someone else feel even half the hurt that I've felt in the past. 

If I don't know for sure that a relationship is working, I feel like I need to walk away rather than risk leading him on. I don't want to set expectations that things are good, only to find out in a few weeks, or months (Or years!) that it isn't going to work. A big part of me feels if there's even the teeniest amount of doubt, I have a responsibility to end the relationship before anyone gets hurt.

But, as my counselor so astutely pointed out, no one can tell the future. He went on to point out that, because there are so many unknown variables in the future, the further ahead we try to look, the more possible outcomes there are - and the more overwhelming the whole thing can become.

His suggestion is to deal with the present. Concentrate on how I feel about a relationship now, and not necessarily how I think I might feel three, five, or ten years (or even months) down the road.

"Sometimes it's OK just to know something is working right now."

It sounds simple enough...but sometimes the it's the simple things that confuse us me the most.

"Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple." Dr. Seuss

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