Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Love is scary

You may have guessed from recent posts that Sparrow and I are not seeing each other anymore.

Technically, we're "taking a break." While I hate that phrase, it is the most appropriate for the situation. I don't have the sense that things are over, but my heart isn't in the relationship right now. I'm not sure enough to continue moving forward. While it would have been more comfortable to keep him in the dark while I sort through my feelings (so I wouldn't have to worry about losing him), that wasn't fair. I didn't like having that done to me, so I wasn't about to turn around and do it to someone else.

So, to be fair to Sparrow, I told him how I was feeling and that I needed to take a step back and figure some things out. A "break" was agreeable. [As predicted in that linked-post, the conversation was uncomfortable and it did suck - but was absolutely necessary.]

So, why the break? A few reasons....

The distance. It's not an insurmountable distance. Truthfully, I know couples who've survived (and even flourished) with a far greater physical distance between them. My issue is that I feel the distance has dictated how quickly our relationship has moved. Our dates have been marathons from the very beginning, largely due to the travel involved. Part of me wonders, if we'd started with a quick cup of coffee, would we be where we are now?

The fact that we have to travel so far means we're really only spending time together on the weekends. Which means that if we don't see each other on the weekends - we don't see each other. That is not the relationship I want for myself. But being together on the weekends means giving up other stuff. If I'm there, I have to miss out on my own life at home. If he's visiting, then I have a house-guest, and am still not free.

I realize that compromise is a part of any relationship. Being with someone means I will have to give up time alone, or time with friends. But I feel like the distance is forcing me (and maybe him, I'm not sure) to give up more than I would otherwise. I don't like feeling that way - and honestly, I could feel it starting to affect how I viewed the relationship.

Our differences. Yes, I know, I've mentioned this before. I even talked it over with Sparrow. I just can't get past the worry that we're so different, it's only a matter of time before we figure out that we're really not compatible. I just don't want to get invested in the relationship, only for him to decide I'm not really the sort of person he wants around.

Our differences also create another problem: Communication. Sparrow is quite introverted, and not at all used to having anyone around who really, truly cares what's happening in his life. Getting information out of him is like trying to pull teeth. Actually, it's what I imagine it was like talking to me as a child (or a wife).

"How was your day?"

It really wasn't, but I never wanted to talk it through. Thanks to counseling (and blogging), now talking it through is all I want to do - and I feel like I'm nagging him when I try.

Fear. This is all me. I'm afraid to trust. I'm so afraid that I'll get invested and then my heart will get broken. It's not a huge exaggeration to say I barely survived the breakup with Trooper; I don't know if my heart can go through that again.

But an even bigger fear is not being single anymore. How messed up is that? I just said I'm afraid of getting dumped. So which is it - am I afraid I'll be single again too soon, or that I'll never be single again at all? Hey, I promised you honesty - I never promised it would make sense.

I've been single for a while now. Even when I was dating someone exclusively, I never fully trusted that person, or the relationship. I never allowed myself to rely on him. I never allowed myself to think, "This may be be the last person I ever date." (Well, OK, I thought it with Trooper - but I never actually believed it.)

Sparrow is different in every way. He's a kind, loving, warm, generous, caring, considerate, wonderful man who is honest and open about how he feels. I actually believe him when he says he wants me around forever.

So is this me saying my final goodbye to single-life? Am I ready for that?

As I read my own thoughts back to myself, I think, "What are you crazy?! You have a wonderful, kind, honest, loving man to whom you're attracted, and you're going to risk losing him?!"

Great, something else to be scared about.


  1. I get the confusing part - I was single for a long time before meeting Frank, as much as it terrified me to lose him, my loss of independence (something I fought hard to get back after DJZ) was scarier than that...we see how that's worked out, I kept almost all of the independence I had and am learning to let him help with things I used to be hell bent on doing myself.

    You'll figure it out. :)

  2. I know exactly what you are going through. Better you tell him the truth than spare his emotions temporarily with a lie.