In case you were wondering, I have not purposely left you in a cliff-hanger about where things stand with Sparrow. Even if I liked them (which I don't), I don't actually think my life is exciting enough to make an effective cliff-hanger.
The truth is - I just don't know where things stand.
I wanted a break. Right away - literally, like two days later - I didn't feel the same. I still wasn't happy with the way the relationship is going, but I felt a "break" wasn't the best way to handle that. I thought maybe talking through my concerns was the better way to go.
So I tried.
It didn't go so well.
It's the sort of conversation I'd prefer to have in person. That wasn't possible, unless I waited - and I don't like waiting.
The phone is a better substitute than text or email, but logistically, that's tough. Plus I hate talking on the phone. I sucked it up and tried because, you know, compromise and all. I got so upset at one point, I had to end the conversation. I was afraid he'd hear my voice crack. Or I'd yell. Or both.
Talking again wasn't a possibility any time soon, so I ended up sending an email. In theory, that should have worked. I do my best communicating in writing. Unfortunately, it leaves so much room for intepretation - which isn't the best thing in this sort of situation.
The interpretation led to misunderstanding. Which led to some pretty angry words. Which led me to be pretty irritated. Which eventually led to apologies, and cooler heads.
We will likely revisit the conversation when we can do so in person. For now, we're still "on a break."
Don't jump off that cliff.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
National USA Week
Did you know that unmarried single Americans have their own week? I didn't - which is why I completely missed that it was celebrated the week of September 16-22, 2012.
According to the page Facts on Singles, many Americans don't identify with the term "single" because they are parents, have/or have had partners, or are widowed. In this definition, unmarried means anyone who isn't currently married - whether they're divorced, widowed, or have just never married.
I'm divorced. I identify with the "single" lifestyle because I make my own decisions. My actions affect no one other than myself - and I suffer my consequences alone. To me, that is the definition of being single, regardless of my relationship status.
My favorite part of being single? Knowing that I'm strong enough to stand on my own - and smart enough to know when to ask for help. I also like not having to share my bed every night, or closet space.
According to the page Facts on Singles, many Americans don't identify with the term "single" because they are parents, have/or have had partners, or are widowed. In this definition, unmarried means anyone who isn't currently married - whether they're divorced, widowed, or have just never married.
Citing from a 2010 study on American's living arrangements, 61% of US women (over the age of 18) had never been married. Another 23.8% were divorced; 14.4% were widowed. Leaves a very small percentage (less than 10) of women over the age of 18 who were married.Unmarried women are a force to be reckoned with.
I'm divorced. I identify with the "single" lifestyle because I make my own decisions. My actions affect no one other than myself - and I suffer my consequences alone. To me, that is the definition of being single, regardless of my relationship status.
My favorite part of being single? Knowing that I'm strong enough to stand on my own - and smart enough to know when to ask for help. I also like not having to share my bed every night, or closet space.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Shut me up
When I was with X, we joked that I was always in charge. I made our plans, paid our bills, decorated our house, bought our gifts for others, and generally, kept the ship in shape.
I also decided when we argued - or had "discussions." X never had a problem - unless he was reacting to my reacting to a problem I perceived. My panties got in a bunch; I said so; sometimes I said it in a not-so-nice way; this made him angry.
When we divorced, I discovered that a) Those tendencies were traits I really didn't like about myself, and b) I was tired of doing all that work.
I no longer wanted to be in charge of anyone but me. Some perceived this as a selfish change. Being the only-child of divorced parents and a total daddy's-girl, selfish is a label with which I'm all too comfortable.
Plus - whatever. I was divorced. For the first time in my life, I was living alone, truly taking care of myself. Yes, I could ask for help - but for the first time ever, no one was obligated to help me.
I figured if ever there was a time to be selfish - this was it.
Eventually, I found myself dating. Selfish was fine when I was on my own; how would it measure up when I was with someone else?
Turns out, it wasn't all bad. I have no urge to clean other people's houses, or move stuff around, or decorate to my taste. It's their place; they're in charge, and it's not my problem. The whole damn place can fall apart around us for all I care; I can always just go home.
I'm also not interested in scheduling his life. I'll ask him if he wants to do stuff. I'll invite him to go places with me. If he says no, it's not a problem - I'm used to going places solo, and perfectly happy to do so.
As one might expect - men like this attitude. It accommodates their preference to not wipe toothpaste off the bathroom mirror (how it gets there in the first place is one of life's unsolvable-mysteries), and to watch football games rather than be on-time for dinner.
Change is good. Most of the time.
I also no longer wanted to be in charge of when we argued; or "discussed" concerns. The only way I could come up with to not argue, was to not say when I was upset. Rather, I tried to let it sit; mull it over, and truly give some thought to whether or not whatever upset me was worth the argument.
That strategy is actually a good one, and one most relationship counselors would probably recommend. The problem comes when, after letting it sit, you always decide it's not worth discussing.
That's what I did. I shut down. Coming from a family where emotions and feelings are not discussed, shutting down came very naturally.
Understandably, people (including guys) assume when you don't mention a problem, it's because there is no problem to mention. Go figure.
I thought this was probably something I needed to work on. Surely there must be a way to express displeasure without starting World War III? But I would always come back to, "Why bother? It's just easier to not say anything."
I thought it was either a complete dysfunction on my part (thanks, family), or that I had just become an incredibly accommodating person.
Now, I'm starting to think that all that time, the real reason it was so easy to just avoid the conversation is because I wasn't really looking to be in a real relationship. Yes, I wanted someone to care for, and to care for me. Yes, I wanted someone to share experiences, and have conversations. Yes, I liked the idea that someone liked me as much as I liked him.
But now I've found a relationship that I really want - and truly accepted that it's going to be work, and it's actually worth the effort. I find that I actually want to say what's on my mind, without reservation or fear...
....and that I can't seem to shut myself up.
I also decided when we argued - or had "discussions." X never had a problem - unless he was reacting to my reacting to a problem I perceived. My panties got in a bunch; I said so; sometimes I said it in a not-so-nice way; this made him angry.
When we divorced, I discovered that a) Those tendencies were traits I really didn't like about myself, and b) I was tired of doing all that work.
I no longer wanted to be in charge of anyone but me. Some perceived this as a selfish change. Being the only-child of divorced parents and a total daddy's-girl, selfish is a label with which I'm all too comfortable.
Plus - whatever. I was divorced. For the first time in my life, I was living alone, truly taking care of myself. Yes, I could ask for help - but for the first time ever, no one was obligated to help me.
I figured if ever there was a time to be selfish - this was it.
Eventually, I found myself dating. Selfish was fine when I was on my own; how would it measure up when I was with someone else?
Turns out, it wasn't all bad. I have no urge to clean other people's houses, or move stuff around, or decorate to my taste. It's their place; they're in charge, and it's not my problem. The whole damn place can fall apart around us for all I care; I can always just go home.
I'm also not interested in scheduling his life. I'll ask him if he wants to do stuff. I'll invite him to go places with me. If he says no, it's not a problem - I'm used to going places solo, and perfectly happy to do so.
As one might expect - men like this attitude. It accommodates their preference to not wipe toothpaste off the bathroom mirror (how it gets there in the first place is one of life's unsolvable-mysteries), and to watch football games rather than be on-time for dinner.
Change is good. Most of the time.
I also no longer wanted to be in charge of when we argued; or "discussed" concerns. The only way I could come up with to not argue, was to not say when I was upset. Rather, I tried to let it sit; mull it over, and truly give some thought to whether or not whatever upset me was worth the argument.
That strategy is actually a good one, and one most relationship counselors would probably recommend. The problem comes when, after letting it sit, you always decide it's not worth discussing.
That's what I did. I shut down. Coming from a family where emotions and feelings are not discussed, shutting down came very naturally.
Understandably, people (including guys) assume when you don't mention a problem, it's because there is no problem to mention. Go figure.
I thought this was probably something I needed to work on. Surely there must be a way to express displeasure without starting World War III? But I would always come back to, "Why bother? It's just easier to not say anything."
I thought it was either a complete dysfunction on my part (thanks, family), or that I had just become an incredibly accommodating person.
Now, I'm starting to think that all that time, the real reason it was so easy to just avoid the conversation is because I wasn't really looking to be in a real relationship. Yes, I wanted someone to care for, and to care for me. Yes, I wanted someone to share experiences, and have conversations. Yes, I liked the idea that someone liked me as much as I liked him.
But now I've found a relationship that I really want - and truly accepted that it's going to be work, and it's actually worth the effort. I find that I actually want to say what's on my mind, without reservation or fear...
....and that I can't seem to shut myself up.
Friday, September 21, 2012
The guy might be a jerk...
...if he continues talking to a woman after she's said she's not available.
...if he takes every opportunity to plant doubt in her head about her current relationship.
...if he starts making sexual-innuendo jokes with someone he's never met,
...yet, complains that the last woman he met online started talking about sex too quickly.
...if he's one of those players who says he wants a relationship - but is really a perpetual bachelor.
...if he says he's talking only to you, yet can't seem to remember very specific, unique details he's already learned in previous conversations.
I'm not saying this guy is a jerk...I'm saying he might be.
He persued me after I told him I wasn't interested, or really available. He has wasted no time in pointing out that long distance relationships are "tough to maintain" and "a lot of pressure" and that it seems I do "most of the traveling."
He did complain that the last woman he met online went all sex-freak on him within a week (more on that forthcoming because it is hilarious). Yet he's not afraid to make little innuendo jokes. Not saying he's offensive or inappropriate, or even that he's not funny - but don't behave that way, then judge someone else for doing (almost) the same. I suspect he gave that woman what she thought was the green-light to let her freak-flag fly. Shame on him for then judging her.
He's mid-forties, never married, has no kids, and doesn't even like pets. Sounds like a bachelor to me. He's also all about working out, and from his picture, appears to be ridiculously good-looking. He works in a field that would allow him to flirt with random women quite a bit. Actually, he reminds me a lot of this guy - and we see how well that worked out.
I also wonder about this whole "I canceled my online dating profile" line. What better way to hook a woman than to tell her there's no one worth the trouble online - but here's his contact information, implying there's something special about her. Do women really go for that? Of course! We love that stuff! Better still is the fact that, since he's canceled that profile, she won't see if/when he's online, presumably talking to others. If that line "hooked" enough fish before he canceled that account, he could leave it shut down for months before needing to cast another line.
Within a week of talking, he'd already forgotten what I do for a living, some very basic physical features (height, hair color), and the fact that I don't drink at all - which was a very long conversation, and is a fairly unique quality. Is he just a flake? A bad listener? Or is he getting me confused with the dozens of other women he's "getting to know?"
Does the why really matter? I don't think so. I think what I should be worried about is - am I really worried about giving this nonsense up? Is this a part of that single life to which I'm clinging so dearly? If so - why?!
Women spend years convincing themselves that they don't fall for players' lines - then years trying to undo all that damage to their personal lives (and their psyches). Am I really willing to fall back into that trap, just so I can say, "Yup, still single?"
Am I nuts?
...if he takes every opportunity to plant doubt in her head about her current relationship.
...if he starts making sexual-innuendo jokes with someone he's never met,
...yet, complains that the last woman he met online started talking about sex too quickly.
...if he's one of those players who says he wants a relationship - but is really a perpetual bachelor.
...if he says he's talking only to you, yet can't seem to remember very specific, unique details he's already learned in previous conversations.
I'm not saying this guy is a jerk...I'm saying he might be.
He persued me after I told him I wasn't interested, or really available. He has wasted no time in pointing out that long distance relationships are "tough to maintain" and "a lot of pressure" and that it seems I do "most of the traveling."
He did complain that the last woman he met online went all sex-freak on him within a week (more on that forthcoming because it is hilarious). Yet he's not afraid to make little innuendo jokes. Not saying he's offensive or inappropriate, or even that he's not funny - but don't behave that way, then judge someone else for doing (almost) the same. I suspect he gave that woman what she thought was the green-light to let her freak-flag fly. Shame on him for then judging her.
He's mid-forties, never married, has no kids, and doesn't even like pets. Sounds like a bachelor to me. He's also all about working out, and from his picture, appears to be ridiculously good-looking. He works in a field that would allow him to flirt with random women quite a bit. Actually, he reminds me a lot of this guy - and we see how well that worked out.
I also wonder about this whole "I canceled my online dating profile" line. What better way to hook a woman than to tell her there's no one worth the trouble online - but here's his contact information, implying there's something special about her. Do women really go for that? Of course! We love that stuff! Better still is the fact that, since he's canceled that profile, she won't see if/when he's online, presumably talking to others. If that line "hooked" enough fish before he canceled that account, he could leave it shut down for months before needing to cast another line.
Within a week of talking, he'd already forgotten what I do for a living, some very basic physical features (height, hair color), and the fact that I don't drink at all - which was a very long conversation, and is a fairly unique quality. Is he just a flake? A bad listener? Or is he getting me confused with the dozens of other women he's "getting to know?"
Does the why really matter? I don't think so. I think what I should be worried about is - am I really worried about giving this nonsense up? Is this a part of that single life to which I'm clinging so dearly? If so - why?!
Women spend years convincing themselves that they don't fall for players' lines - then years trying to undo all that damage to their personal lives (and their psyches). Am I really willing to fall back into that trap, just so I can say, "Yup, still single?"
Am I nuts?
Thursday, September 20, 2012
And then there's this...
I told you about my fears, and how I gave in to them and asked Sparrow for a break.
Here's something I didn't mention.
A while back I was approached online by a guy who is normally someone in whom I'd have been very interested. I replied, saying thanks for the email, but I just started seeing someone.
He said he was leaving the site, and gave me his personal email in case "that doesn't work out." I responded in kind with my email, saying we could talk as friends if he wanted. Then I thought we were done.
We were not. (I realize now I should not have given him my email address. I'm overly polite, or naive, or he caught me in a bad moment. Whatever the reason - what's done is done.)
He has messaged me several times, and is clearly interested in dating, or at least getting to know me. I've been honest with him - right up to telling him that I was on a "break" but that truthfully, I really like "the guy" and would not be surprised if we try to work things out.
He thanked me for being so up front and not leading him on.
Then he asked if us getting married was "off the table." (I said, yes, it is off the table.)
Here's the deal....
This guy really has nothing to do with my doubts about my relationship. However, I am a person who believes that "cheating" starts long before anything physical happens. Emotional affairs are a very real thing, and while I don't think they ever really cause problems in a relationship, I do think they can aggravate those that already exists.
I've not met this person, and currently have no plans to do so. I'd be lying if I said the attention isn't flattering. I'd also be fooling myself if I said I wasn't a little sad at the idea that I might never get this kind of attention again. After all, this sort of exchange only happens when a relationship is new - and it's only new once.
But did even talking to this person get inside my head? Did it exaserbate what were already very real concerns, and get me to do something I wouldn't have otherwise?
That idea truly horrifies me. Not because I think I've done anything wrong. No one has been lied to or led on. I just really, truly, hate the idea that I am allowing myself to make clouded choices. That my choices aren't really my own, because I'm giving outside influences a power they should never have.
As if relationships aren't confusing enough, now I'm letting the cooties take over.
Here's something I didn't mention.
A while back I was approached online by a guy who is normally someone in whom I'd have been very interested. I replied, saying thanks for the email, but I just started seeing someone.
He said he was leaving the site, and gave me his personal email in case "that doesn't work out." I responded in kind with my email, saying we could talk as friends if he wanted. Then I thought we were done.
We were not. (I realize now I should not have given him my email address. I'm overly polite, or naive, or he caught me in a bad moment. Whatever the reason - what's done is done.)
He has messaged me several times, and is clearly interested in dating, or at least getting to know me. I've been honest with him - right up to telling him that I was on a "break" but that truthfully, I really like "the guy" and would not be surprised if we try to work things out.
He thanked me for being so up front and not leading him on.
Then he asked if us getting married was "off the table." (I said, yes, it is off the table.)
Here's the deal....
This guy really has nothing to do with my doubts about my relationship. However, I am a person who believes that "cheating" starts long before anything physical happens. Emotional affairs are a very real thing, and while I don't think they ever really cause problems in a relationship, I do think they can aggravate those that already exists.
I've not met this person, and currently have no plans to do so. I'd be lying if I said the attention isn't flattering. I'd also be fooling myself if I said I wasn't a little sad at the idea that I might never get this kind of attention again. After all, this sort of exchange only happens when a relationship is new - and it's only new once.
But did even talking to this person get inside my head? Did it exaserbate what were already very real concerns, and get me to do something I wouldn't have otherwise?
That idea truly horrifies me. Not because I think I've done anything wrong. No one has been lied to or led on. I just really, truly, hate the idea that I am allowing myself to make clouded choices. That my choices aren't really my own, because I'm giving outside influences a power they should never have.
As if relationships aren't confusing enough, now I'm letting the cooties take over.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Love is scary
You may have guessed from recent posts that Sparrow and I are not seeing each other anymore.
Technically, we're "taking a break." While I hate that phrase, it is the most appropriate for the situation. I don't have the sense that things are over, but my heart isn't in the relationship right now. I'm not sure enough to continue moving forward. While it would have been more comfortable to keep him in the dark while I sort through my feelings (so I wouldn't have to worry about losing him), that wasn't fair. I didn't like having that done to me, so I wasn't about to turn around and do it to someone else.
So, to be fair to Sparrow, I told him how I was feeling and that I needed to take a step back and figure some things out. A "break" was agreeable. [As predicted in that linked-post, the conversation was uncomfortable and it did suck - but was absolutely necessary.]
So, why the break? A few reasons....
The distance. It's not an insurmountable distance. Truthfully, I know couples who've survived (and even flourished) with a far greater physical distance between them. My issue is that I feel the distance has dictated how quickly our relationship has moved. Our dates have been marathons from the very beginning, largely due to the travel involved. Part of me wonders, if we'd started with a quick cup of coffee, would we be where we are now?
The fact that we have to travel so far means we're really only spending time together on the weekends. Which means that if we don't see each other on the weekends - we don't see each other. That is not the relationship I want for myself. But being together on the weekends means giving up other stuff. If I'm there, I have to miss out on my own life at home. If he's visiting, then I have a house-guest, and am still not free.
I realize that compromise is a part of any relationship. Being with someone means I will have to give up time alone, or time with friends. But I feel like the distance is forcing me (and maybe him, I'm not sure) to give up more than I would otherwise. I don't like feeling that way - and honestly, I could feel it starting to affect how I viewed the relationship.
Our differences. Yes, I know, I've mentioned this before. I even talked it over with Sparrow. I just can't get past the worry that we're so different, it's only a matter of time before we figure out that we're really not compatible. I just don't want to get invested in the relationship, only for him to decide I'm not really the sort of person he wants around.
Our differences also create another problem: Communication. Sparrow is quite introverted, and not at all used to having anyone around who really, truly cares what's happening in his life. Getting information out of him is like trying to pull teeth. Actually, it's what I imagine it was like talking to me as a child (or a wife).
"How was your day?"
"Fine."
It really wasn't, but I never wanted to talk it through. Thanks to counseling (and blogging), now talking it through is all I want to do - and I feel like I'm nagging him when I try.
Fear. This is all me. I'm afraid to trust. I'm so afraid that I'll get invested and then my heart will get broken. It's not a huge exaggeration to say I barely survived the breakup with Trooper; I don't know if my heart can go through that again.
But an even bigger fear is not being single anymore. How messed up is that? I just said I'm afraid of getting dumped. So which is it - am I afraid I'll be single again too soon, or that I'll never be single again at all? Hey, I promised you honesty - I never promised it would make sense.
I've been single for a while now. Even when I was dating someone exclusively, I never fully trusted that person, or the relationship. I never allowed myself to rely on him. I never allowed myself to think, "This may be be the last person I ever date." (Well, OK, I thought it with Trooper - but I never actually believed it.)
Sparrow is different in every way. He's a kind, loving, warm, generous, caring, considerate, wonderful man who is honest and open about how he feels. I actually believe him when he says he wants me around forever.
So is this me saying my final goodbye to single-life? Am I ready for that?
As I read my own thoughts back to myself, I think, "What are you crazy?! You have a wonderful, kind, honest, loving man to whom you're attracted, and you're going to risk losing him?!"
Great, something else to be scared about.
Technically, we're "taking a break." While I hate that phrase, it is the most appropriate for the situation. I don't have the sense that things are over, but my heart isn't in the relationship right now. I'm not sure enough to continue moving forward. While it would have been more comfortable to keep him in the dark while I sort through my feelings (so I wouldn't have to worry about losing him), that wasn't fair. I didn't like having that done to me, so I wasn't about to turn around and do it to someone else.
So, to be fair to Sparrow, I told him how I was feeling and that I needed to take a step back and figure some things out. A "break" was agreeable. [As predicted in that linked-post, the conversation was uncomfortable and it did suck - but was absolutely necessary.]
So, why the break? A few reasons....
The distance. It's not an insurmountable distance. Truthfully, I know couples who've survived (and even flourished) with a far greater physical distance between them. My issue is that I feel the distance has dictated how quickly our relationship has moved. Our dates have been marathons from the very beginning, largely due to the travel involved. Part of me wonders, if we'd started with a quick cup of coffee, would we be where we are now?
The fact that we have to travel so far means we're really only spending time together on the weekends. Which means that if we don't see each other on the weekends - we don't see each other. That is not the relationship I want for myself. But being together on the weekends means giving up other stuff. If I'm there, I have to miss out on my own life at home. If he's visiting, then I have a house-guest, and am still not free.
I realize that compromise is a part of any relationship. Being with someone means I will have to give up time alone, or time with friends. But I feel like the distance is forcing me (and maybe him, I'm not sure) to give up more than I would otherwise. I don't like feeling that way - and honestly, I could feel it starting to affect how I viewed the relationship.
Our differences. Yes, I know, I've mentioned this before. I even talked it over with Sparrow. I just can't get past the worry that we're so different, it's only a matter of time before we figure out that we're really not compatible. I just don't want to get invested in the relationship, only for him to decide I'm not really the sort of person he wants around.
Our differences also create another problem: Communication. Sparrow is quite introverted, and not at all used to having anyone around who really, truly cares what's happening in his life. Getting information out of him is like trying to pull teeth. Actually, it's what I imagine it was like talking to me as a child (or a wife).
"How was your day?"
"Fine."
It really wasn't, but I never wanted to talk it through. Thanks to counseling (and blogging), now talking it through is all I want to do - and I feel like I'm nagging him when I try.
Fear. This is all me. I'm afraid to trust. I'm so afraid that I'll get invested and then my heart will get broken. It's not a huge exaggeration to say I barely survived the breakup with Trooper; I don't know if my heart can go through that again.
But an even bigger fear is not being single anymore. How messed up is that? I just said I'm afraid of getting dumped. So which is it - am I afraid I'll be single again too soon, or that I'll never be single again at all? Hey, I promised you honesty - I never promised it would make sense.
I've been single for a while now. Even when I was dating someone exclusively, I never fully trusted that person, or the relationship. I never allowed myself to rely on him. I never allowed myself to think, "This may be be the last person I ever date." (Well, OK, I thought it with Trooper - but I never actually believed it.)
Sparrow is different in every way. He's a kind, loving, warm, generous, caring, considerate, wonderful man who is honest and open about how he feels. I actually believe him when he says he wants me around forever.
So is this me saying my final goodbye to single-life? Am I ready for that?
As I read my own thoughts back to myself, I think, "What are you crazy?! You have a wonderful, kind, honest, loving man to whom you're attracted, and you're going to risk losing him?!"
Great, something else to be scared about.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Who wants to be the bad guy?
I've been thinking about my dating history. Counting a couple of teeny, almost insignificant, mini-relationships (one of which I actually forgot about - oops), I have been involved six times since my divorce. I've been the dumpee in three of them; I ended the others myself.
So I guess my claim that I'm "always" the one getting dumped needs to be reevaluated, or at least deserves an asterisk. It's worth noting that I did not end my marriage. Also there have been (I think) more one-or-two-date guys who rejected me, rather than the other way around.
The truth is, it doesn't really matter. The point is, this means I have fairly equal experience on both sides of the breakup fence.....
....and I've come to the conclusion I'd much rather be on the receiving end.
Yes, you read that right. I would much rather be the one to get dumped, rather than the one to do the dumping.
First of all - The decision to end a relationship - particularly a significant one that seems to be going OK - is a lot of stress. I don't need stress. That's why I have a job - and a family.
Second - If I'm dumped, I get to eat ice cream and wallow in bad reality television all I want. My parents buy me gifts. Friends take me to lunch. If the breakup is my decision? That's right - no presents, and everyone expects me to keep going to the gym because, well, I'm fine, right?
All kidding aside - I don't like being the bad guy. I know how heartbreak feels, and I hate the idea that I'm inflicting that feeling on someone else, particularly when I care about that person.
I told this to a friend, and she agreed with me that it never feels good to hurt someone you care about, and making the decision is scary. However, she still wants the decision to be hers. She prefers to have control over her emotions. She wants to be the one to decide when the hurt starts (and stops), rather than having it be something that happens to her.
My friends are a lot stronger than I am. Mostly, I just want ice cream.
So I guess my claim that I'm "always" the one getting dumped needs to be reevaluated, or at least deserves an asterisk. It's worth noting that I did not end my marriage. Also there have been (I think) more one-or-two-date guys who rejected me, rather than the other way around.
The truth is, it doesn't really matter. The point is, this means I have fairly equal experience on both sides of the breakup fence.....
....and I've come to the conclusion I'd much rather be on the receiving end.
Yes, you read that right. I would much rather be the one to get dumped, rather than the one to do the dumping.
First of all - The decision to end a relationship - particularly a significant one that seems to be going OK - is a lot of stress. I don't need stress. That's why I have a job - and a family.
Second - If I'm dumped, I get to eat ice cream and wallow in bad reality television all I want. My parents buy me gifts. Friends take me to lunch. If the breakup is my decision? That's right - no presents, and everyone expects me to keep going to the gym because, well, I'm fine, right?
All kidding aside - I don't like being the bad guy. I know how heartbreak feels, and I hate the idea that I'm inflicting that feeling on someone else, particularly when I care about that person.
I told this to a friend, and she agreed with me that it never feels good to hurt someone you care about, and making the decision is scary. However, she still wants the decision to be hers. She prefers to have control over her emotions. She wants to be the one to decide when the hurt starts (and stops), rather than having it be something that happens to her.
My friends are a lot stronger than I am. Mostly, I just want ice cream.
Monday, September 17, 2012
When do you let go?
You know that moment in a relationship where you think - this isn't right; how did I get here?! Then you do the swift, easy, spur-of-the-moment-because-you-just-know-it's-right thing and end things, right there, right then?
Yeah, me neither.
When I look back on a dead relationship, I can see where that moment maybe should have been. Where the thread started to unravel, and any normal, rational, sane person would have cut the string and moved on.
Thing is - love isn't always normal, rational, or sane.
Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm that girl who hangs on longer than she should. When I see a problem, I don't immediately run away. I look for a solution. When I don't find a solution - I keep looking. I'm not suggesting there's anything wrong with being persistant, and loyal, and dedicated. Those are excellent traits, particularly with a significant other. Once I promise my love to you - you're sort of stuck with it (whether you like it or not).
That passion does become a problem when I stop looking for a solution, and start hiding from the problem. Or pretending the problem doesn't exist. Or blaming it on circumstances outside the relationship.
I don't do it on purpose. I just get so caught up in how much I love someone, and how much I want things to work because I believe they should, that I stop seeing what's right in front of me.
I think that's when it helps to have a little faith. Faith reminds us that decisions aren't always about how we feel, or even what we can see. Faith is about trusting our heart, and knowing that even if a choice is a little uncomfortable - or even scary - it must be right, at least in that moment.
That's also when it helps to have friends, who really know you. Who don't judge or lecture. Who do ask questions that make you stop and think, and really see what's right in front of you. Or who help you listen, and hear what's already in your heart.
"Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go - and then do it." Ann Landers
Yeah, me neither.
When I look back on a dead relationship, I can see where that moment maybe should have been. Where the thread started to unravel, and any normal, rational, sane person would have cut the string and moved on.
Thing is - love isn't always normal, rational, or sane.
Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm that girl who hangs on longer than she should. When I see a problem, I don't immediately run away. I look for a solution. When I don't find a solution - I keep looking. I'm not suggesting there's anything wrong with being persistant, and loyal, and dedicated. Those are excellent traits, particularly with a significant other. Once I promise my love to you - you're sort of stuck with it (whether you like it or not).
That passion does become a problem when I stop looking for a solution, and start hiding from the problem. Or pretending the problem doesn't exist. Or blaming it on circumstances outside the relationship.
I don't do it on purpose. I just get so caught up in how much I love someone, and how much I want things to work because I believe they should, that I stop seeing what's right in front of me.
I think that's when it helps to have a little faith. Faith reminds us that decisions aren't always about how we feel, or even what we can see. Faith is about trusting our heart, and knowing that even if a choice is a little uncomfortable - or even scary - it must be right, at least in that moment.
That's also when it helps to have friends, who really know you. Who don't judge or lecture. Who do ask questions that make you stop and think, and really see what's right in front of you. Or who help you listen, and hear what's already in your heart.
"Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go - and then do it." Ann Landers
Friday, September 14, 2012
Deja vu all over again
Last year I met this guy who seemed nice enough. I don't remember which site we were on, but we exchanged IM information and chatted a few times. He was big into movies, but really, beyond that, wasn't very good at conversation (at least not with me). We chatted a few times, and then eventually, just stopped talking.
Around that same time, I discovered a site called meetup.com. If you haven't heard of it, Meetup is actually an online community for people looking to find "real life" friends. You can join groups based on your interests, and then attend in-person activities ("meetups") with like-minded people.
This guy ran the local movie lovers meetup group, which I discovered after I joined.
Even still, we never really chatted again, and then I met Trooper, and then the meetup group was closed down...and life kept moving.
A few weeks back, he messaged me on Plenty of Fish, saying he liked my profile and said he was interested in getting to know more about me. At first, I planned to just ignore the message - after all, we already talked and found out he really isn't interested in me. So not interested, apparently, that he didn't even remember deciding that he wasn't interested.
Thinking about it that way made me irritated, so I messaged him back.
Last week he messaged me again, this time on OK Cupid.
I haven't changed my hair. I didn't switch from glasses to no-glasses. I didn't gain or lose a bunch of weight. I'm the same %$#@!&%$ person...how does he not recognize that we've spoken not once...not twice...but now three times?!
As a side note, OK Cupid has a feature that tracks when you last messaged a person, and displays that information right on his profile. (If you haven't previously contacted him, the site encourages you to send a message.) It takes the guess-work out of, "This person might look familiar....have we talked before?"
I think all dating sites should have this feature. In all fairness to this guy, if you've been dating a while, your brain does get a little fried, and all online profiles start to look alike.
Around that same time, I discovered a site called meetup.com. If you haven't heard of it, Meetup is actually an online community for people looking to find "real life" friends. You can join groups based on your interests, and then attend in-person activities ("meetups") with like-minded people.
This guy ran the local movie lovers meetup group, which I discovered after I joined.
Even still, we never really chatted again, and then I met Trooper, and then the meetup group was closed down...and life kept moving.
A few weeks back, he messaged me on Plenty of Fish, saying he liked my profile and said he was interested in getting to know more about me. At first, I planned to just ignore the message - after all, we already talked and found out he really isn't interested in me. So not interested, apparently, that he didn't even remember deciding that he wasn't interested.
Thinking about it that way made me irritated, so I messaged him back.
[First Name], right? We've actually met before, and chatted over IM. I was also a member of your movie group over at meetup.com.He replied that he was sorry he didn't remember, and apologized for bothering me.
Last week he messaged me again, this time on OK Cupid.
Hi how are you?
Would you like to chat? I'm interested in getting to know you.Seriously?!
I haven't changed my hair. I didn't switch from glasses to no-glasses. I didn't gain or lose a bunch of weight. I'm the same %$#@!&%$ person...how does he not recognize that we've spoken not once...not twice...but now three times?!
Thanks, but I just started seeing someone. Think we've chatted before. [First Name], right? I was also in the movie group at meetup.com.I have not heard back again. We're running out of internet, so I'm hoping we're done.
As a side note, OK Cupid has a feature that tracks when you last messaged a person, and displays that information right on his profile. (If you haven't previously contacted him, the site encourages you to send a message.) It takes the guess-work out of, "This person might look familiar....have we talked before?"
I think all dating sites should have this feature. In all fairness to this guy, if you've been dating a while, your brain does get a little fried, and all online profiles start to look alike.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Yoga videos on Gaiam TV
 |
| Visit GaiamTV.com |
Dealing with change (which could be the end of a relationship - or the beginning of a new one) is hard for everyone - and harder still for some. There are constructive, positive ways to manage change - and other ways that are far less so. I like to think I lean towards the constructive - with the occasional chocolate detour.
Getting fit, both physically and mentally, is one positive way to deal with any life change. For whatever reason, no matter what's going on, people seem to focus more on change during the fall months. Maybe it's the change in season, or the change in wardrobe? Maybe it's because that's when the new school year starts, and we're all perpetually thirteen years old?
No matter the reason, if you're like me, fall might be the time when you clean out your closet, your facebook friends, and your old habits. Physical fitness is one habit I'm always looking to revive, and the best way for me to do that is to find something new. I bore easily, and then I give up, and before I know it, I can hear cookies calling my name.
Gaiam TV is a new way to explore different fitness videos and topics, and find something that grabs your interest. Gaiam is the first of its kind; a streaming video service catering to those interested in health, wellness, personal development, and fitness. You'll find thousands of hours of yoga videos, featuring workouts from Jillian Michaels, Mari Winsor, and Rodney Yee.
Along with yoga and fitness videos, you'll also find videos on topics like spirituality, metaphysics, and films & TV. There is also a Gaiam store, where you'll find yoga and fitness equipment, items for your home, bath and body, and workout clothing.
.jpg) |
| Visit GaiamTV.com |
Gaiam gives users 24/7 access to workouts, as well as health and wellness information. The service is compatible with smart phones, streaming devices, televisions, personal computers, and iPads, making it ideal for keeping fit while travelling (Think visiting family for the holidays; who couldn't use a sanity break?).
Sort of like Netflix for Yoga.
The monthly fee is only $9.95, and there's no contract or commitment. Visit here for a free 10-day trial. The first 25 people to sign up will also receive a free yoga mat.
If you're looking to get fit this fall, why not get fit with GaiamTV? Click here to get started.
***This post was sponsored by GaiamTV.com. I received compensation for trying the service, and sharing the information.***
***This post was sponsored by GaiamTV.com. I received compensation for trying the service, and sharing the information.***
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Here and now
I'm still going to see my counselor. I think he even thinks I might be more normal than I give myself credit for, but I'm not taking any chances. I feel like I could have handled the breakup with Trooper a lot better, and my reaction suggests I could use a little guidance.
Besides - what can it hurt to sit down once a month and talk to someone who is objective, and can give me some tips on how to deal with anxiety, stress, depression, etc.?
This past month, my topic of choice was how stressed I get over not knowing if I'm doing the right thing, and how my decisions to date someone now will affect my future. Specifically - how do I avoid the hurt?
I am afraid to trust, because I'm afraid that the minute I believe in a relationship, or someone's feelings, I'll have the rug pulled out from underneath me - again. But believe it or not - that's not my biggest fear.
The thing I fear the most is doing anything that will make someone else feel even half the hurt that I've felt in the past.
If I don't know for sure that a relationship is working, I feel like I need to walk away rather than risk leading him on. I don't want to set expectations that things are good, only to find out in a few weeks, or months (Or years!) that it isn't going to work. A big part of me feels if there's even the teeniest amount of doubt, I have a responsibility to end the relationship before anyone gets hurt.
But, as my counselor so astutely pointed out, no one can tell the future. He went on to point out that, because there are so many unknown variables in the future, the further ahead we try to look, the more possible outcomes there are - and the more overwhelming the whole thing can become.
His suggestion is to deal with the present. Concentrate on how I feel about a relationship now, and not necessarily how I think I might feel three, five, or ten years (or even months) down the road.
"Sometimes it's OK just to know something is working right now."
It sounds simple enough...but sometimes the it's the simple things that confuseus me the most.
"Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple." Dr. Seuss
Besides - what can it hurt to sit down once a month and talk to someone who is objective, and can give me some tips on how to deal with anxiety, stress, depression, etc.?
This past month, my topic of choice was how stressed I get over not knowing if I'm doing the right thing, and how my decisions to date someone now will affect my future. Specifically - how do I avoid the hurt?
I am afraid to trust, because I'm afraid that the minute I believe in a relationship, or someone's feelings, I'll have the rug pulled out from underneath me - again. But believe it or not - that's not my biggest fear.
The thing I fear the most is doing anything that will make someone else feel even half the hurt that I've felt in the past.
If I don't know for sure that a relationship is working, I feel like I need to walk away rather than risk leading him on. I don't want to set expectations that things are good, only to find out in a few weeks, or months (Or years!) that it isn't going to work. A big part of me feels if there's even the teeniest amount of doubt, I have a responsibility to end the relationship before anyone gets hurt.
But, as my counselor so astutely pointed out, no one can tell the future. He went on to point out that, because there are so many unknown variables in the future, the further ahead we try to look, the more possible outcomes there are - and the more overwhelming the whole thing can become.
His suggestion is to deal with the present. Concentrate on how I feel about a relationship now, and not necessarily how I think I might feel three, five, or ten years (or even months) down the road.
"Sometimes it's OK just to know something is working right now."
It sounds simple enough...but sometimes the it's the simple things that confuse
"Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple." Dr. Seuss
Monday, September 10, 2012
Choose wisely
I had a rough weekend, and as a result, I'm behind on everything.
I'd hoped to catch up on some posts this morning. My employer had other ideas, and now I'm buried under work, which they'd prefer I make my priority during the work day. Go figure.
As usual, Baking Suit has my back, and sent me this post from The Inquisitr.
Some might think it's a bummer that us single folk have to choose which two applies to each of us. But really, who among us is actually "emotionally stable?"
I can think of worse ways to start off your week than being called intelligent and good looking.
Happy Monday!
I'd hoped to catch up on some posts this morning. My employer had other ideas, and now I'm buried under work, which they'd prefer I make my priority during the work day. Go figure.
As usual, Baking Suit has my back, and sent me this post from The Inquisitr.
Some might think it's a bummer that us single folk have to choose which two applies to each of us. But really, who among us is actually "emotionally stable?"
I can think of worse ways to start off your week than being called intelligent and good looking.
Happy Monday!
Friday, September 7, 2012
Different strokes
"Are you sure you two are a good match?"
That question was posed to me after telling a friend about some differences I've noticed between myself and Sparrow. For instance....
.
That question was posed to me after telling a friend about some differences I've noticed between myself and Sparrow. For instance....
He eats really healthy. He loves fruit, and vegetables, and doesn't eat a lot of meat at all. He's also originally from another country, and isn't afraid to try more exotic varieties of everything.
I consider it a victory if I add a few bites of frozen broccoli to my dinner.
He does not have air conditioning in his apartment. Not that he likes excessive heat, but it's an older building and he'd have to put in a window unit. He just doesn't bother, and is comfortable in slightly hotter temperatures.
My central air goes on in June and pretty much doesn't go off until October. When I control the termostat, it's set at 65 - all year.
He is careful about how he spends his money. He's not cheap - he just looks for value, and is quite frugal when it comes to everything, including the grocery store.
I shop at Sephora, carry designer purses and wear designer sunglasses. I shoe shop the way most people shop for groceries.. I buy soda all the time, but couldn't even begin to tell you what it costs because, as far as I'm concerned, I need it, so what difference does it make? I like nice things, and am willing to spend to get them. I'm the first to admit my take on finances is not that great - but there you have it.So how much do you really need to have in common with your Other? Sparrow and I share some of the same hobbies and interests, we can talk about anything, and are always (ok, usually) laughing and smiling when we're together. We see eye-to-eye on the handful of social and political issues that are important to both of us.
.
We have similar goals, and I know we could compromise if it came right down to it (he'd totally live with central air, and I will totally budget my money better, especially if someone else is sharing).
Truth be told, I wouldn't want to be with someone who was exactly like me. Two clothes-horses can not live together - we'd never find enough closet space. I'd find it boring if no one ever challenged my point of view, or taught me to try something new. Most importantly...if we do all the same things, we'd probably do them all together - and then how would I have alone time?!?
So do little things really matter? Do I care if he insists on shopping in the produce section, as long as he lets me shop in the soda aisle? Isn't it OK if we're willing to compromise on the thermostat setting? Isn't it better to budget - as long as the budget includes room for my mani/pedis?
Doesn't it make sense to give a little....if it means you get a whole lot more?
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
What a woman wants
So I told you my friends are dating, and have told me I can blog about their misadventures. Thank goodness.
One friend recently met a guy who seemed very nice, and he seemed to have his act together. They exchanged phone numbers and over text he told her,
He suggested to my friend that they meet for drinks. The night of their first "date" came...and she texted him to follow up (early in the evening)....and he said,
See, I agree with the whole "don't force things" idea - and for the record, so does my friend. But we consulted, and agree that for a relationship to take place, both parties do actually have to be willing to leave the house.
You would think this guy who knows all about how to "give a woman what she wants" would realize that, what she really wants, is simply a guy who will put in a little effort, say what he means (and mean what he says), and actually want to spend time with her.
One friend recently met a guy who seemed very nice, and he seemed to have his act together. They exchanged phone numbers and over text he told her,
I was raised by my mother and four sisters; I know how to treat a woman. I know how to give a woman what she wants.Care to guess what happened next?
He suggested to my friend that they meet for drinks. The night of their first "date" came...and she texted him to follow up (early in the evening)....and he said,
I'm in bed.After a few more conversations, he told her,
I don't like to force a relationship; if it's meant to be, it'll happen.I bet you think I'm making this up. I sincerely wish that was the case.
See, I agree with the whole "don't force things" idea - and for the record, so does my friend. But we consulted, and agree that for a relationship to take place, both parties do actually have to be willing to leave the house.
You would think this guy who knows all about how to "give a woman what she wants" would realize that, what she really wants, is simply a guy who will put in a little effort, say what he means (and mean what he says), and actually want to spend time with her.
Monday, September 3, 2012
Tough work
Today is Labor Day - a US holiday that "celebrates the economic and social contributions of workers."
Mostly, it's just an excuse for us to take a day off in September and have picnics, go to the beach, and shop sales. It's also the "unofficial" end of summer.
In that spirit, I thought we'd celebrate the tremendous effort some men make it seem to do the simple things - like text you back, call when they say they will, and be on time for dates.
Many act like that deserves a holiday.
Mostly, it's just an excuse for us to take a day off in September and have picnics, go to the beach, and shop sales. It's also the "unofficial" end of summer.
In that spirit, I thought we'd celebrate the tremendous effort some men make it seem to do the simple things - like text you back, call when they say they will, and be on time for dates.
Many act like that deserves a holiday.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)