Tuesday, October 23, 2012
It's not you, it's him
I was recently told I need to stop with the negative thinking. I need to stop doubting that it will ever happen, and start realizing that I do have a lot to offer. If I start putting positive thoughts out, I will start getting positive back.
I was told that I don't give myself enough credit. That I need to stop thinking I'm not pretty enough or smart enough or successful enough. I especially need to realize that the right person is going to look at me for my whole person - and he will realize what a dynamic, loving, wonderful person I am. He will see that I've "got it all going on" - but I have to realize that first, before anyone else can see.
I was told that I need to realize that just because one guy was "an asshole" that not every guy will be. I need to stop assuming as much, and start letting the good ones in. I need to start listening to my instincts more, because the truth is, I knew things weren't right with that guy, I just chose to ignore the problems. I need to have more faith in myself.
The funny thing is, the person who said all this was a psychic medium, who said he was connecting with my grandmother. Sounds hokey to some (and creepy to others) I'm sure - but he struck me as very sincere, said things that made me believe Nanny had something to say, and seemed to be picking up on things he couldn't have known.
Dating certainly challenges my self-esteem. Some of the challenges are obvious: Someone you like doesn't like you back, and you naturally wonder what you could have done differently to keep his interest.
But it's the less obvious questions that I think really get to me.
Is he out there? Am I doing what I need to find him? Will he feel the same when I do?
When I'm not meeting any guys, I wonder what's wrong with me. If I meet a lot of guys who all turn out to be wrong, I start to wonder what I'm doing wrong.
Why do I do that to myself? I know I'm not the only one. Why do any of us internalize what is really an external issue. If a person passes over your dating site profile - who cares? It's one person - who is a total stranger and for all we know, not really worth the worry.
If a first-date doesn't go well, why does that have to be a big deal? So this guy won't be Mr. Happily-ever-after. So what? Why does that automatically translate to we did something wrong? Maybe he just wasn't meant to be more than a first-date. If that's the case, then it doesn't matter what we did - he wasn't going to stick around, anyway.
I know self-esteem is an issue for me, and the funny thing is, I think it's an issue for even the most beautiful, intelligent, successful women. No matter how much a woman seems to have her act together, dating can undermine her self-esteem pretty darn quick.
How do we change that?
I think it starts with changing our perspective. Don't get so caught up in how to make sure we get past the first date to the second. Start by enjoying the first date. Be yourself - your best self. Wear what you like; be sure you love your hair; suggest a place you're happy to eat; order what you like; talk about what interests you; if you want, give him that hug at the end of the night.
If you do enjoy the date - don't be afraid to put yourself out there for a second. If he doesn't want another, or he does but then it goes poorly - remind yourself that it isn't necessarily anything you said or did - or didn't.
You put your best out there. You didn't get his best back.
That's not you - it's him.