Thursday, August 8, 2013

Just friends

So I've been talking to this guy for a few weeks. We've been out a couple of times. He seems nice enough, except for a couple of hiccups (more on that later).

The one thing I'm not crazy about is I find him very hard to read. I've gotten pretty good at figuring out a person's intentions, and whether or not he's being honest. But I can't tell with this guy.

So, rather than keep trying, I figured I'd just ask.

I told him I was curious about what he's really looking for. Is he open to a relationship? Or just looking to hook-up?

His first response was, "I'm not that shallow." Well, for the record, I don't think it's "shallow" to want to hook-up. I do think a person should be upfront about that intention. Word-choice aside, I took this to mean he's open to more.

He said he thinks people who say they don't want a relationship are "full of **it." That everyone is open - provided they find the right person. "Who in their right mind would walk away from someone who knocks their socks off? No one."

So of course he's open to a relationship. But is he looking for one? No. "It doesn't work that way." Love isn't something you find. It's something that happens.

Actually - I agreed with what he was saying, even if his word choice was a little rambling and wordy. (Side note: if you really want the truth, ask your question, and then shut up. Most people can't stand the silence and will struggle to fill the space.)

Then he said, "Until you start talking about marriage, you're really just still friends."
Found it here

What?! Does this guy really believe there's no relationship between friends and marriage?

I don't think so, though it took a while to find his point. "Labels like boyfriend and girlfriend are meaningless. You can be physical, and even exclusive, but until you're talking real commitment, you're just friends. And it takes a long time to get to know someone that well."

My take on that is this is a guy who was hurt. Maybe he made it to living with someone, or even got engaged, and had his heart broken. Now he doesn't trust labels, because it didn't mean the same to her as it did to him.

I get that. I look at relationships very differently than friends who have never been married, or who have only been married once. I don't believe in "forever." I believe people can intend forever - but I think too much is out of our control to know for sure.

Does that mean I wouldn't be exclusive? No. I'd love to find someone worth giving up all the others. I just haven't -yet.

It does mean I'm OK skipping the labels and rules. I agree with him - they don't mean much. The main problem being the meaning is different to everyone. Calling someone my boyfriend means something different to me than it does to anyone else - even him. We're better off skipping the labels and just setting our own boundaries, which we know we understand.

He had to get off the phone, and asked if we were OK. I said sure, but I'll admit, it took a couple days of mulling the conversation over before I finally felt like I understood what he was saying.

What's most funny is that I do agree with him. I don't believe in labels, or rushing, and I do think it takes a while to be sure of someone.

I think my words just sounded a little funny coming at me in his voice.

Either that, or he's completely full of... it.

1 comment:

  1. I like his point of view.

    And, you are never going to find someone who speaks or acts exactly like you.. because who wants to DATE themselves?

    I want to hear about the few hiccups...

    Otherwise, this guy, seems ... worthy of another date.