Someone recently pointed out to me that one person can't be accountable for another person's happiness. That person thought maybe this blog was my way of holding responsible. It wasn't his fault that he didn't know how he was going to feel, or how I was going to feel. It's not his job to predict the future.
Very true. My happiness is on me - and not anyone else.
The truth is, we were dating. Big didn't owe me anything. He was taking things day by day, wanting to spend time with me, and when he realized I wanted more than he did, he ended things. That he did right - and I don't have any reason (or right, actually) to be upset.
Day by day implies nothing ever changed. But things did change - Big was trying to keep things moving, and he (intentionally or not) sent me a message that he wanted more. Was that a lie? Maybe not. But it was definitely ineffective communication.
If there's one thing I've learned from all of this, it's that when we get into relationships, we do owe the other person some honest, open communication. Big didn't communicate effectively with me; but you know what? I don't think I communicated well with him, either. I was so caught up in "letting things happen" and not controlling anything, I let that get in the way of me really figuring out what was going on. There were plenty of times when I had doubts about his feelings for me; times I was unsure, and wanted to say something. Perhaps if I had, it would have opened up some better communication earlier.
Some people might not like that idea - we all get caught up in the idea of blaming others for what happens to us. I like the idea that I am accountable for my own mistakes - and my own happiness.
It puts recovering that happy back in my control - right where it belongs.