Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Overlook the obvious

I have my core group of friends who I turn to immediately when something happens. But, there are other people who are interested, who help me through rough times, and with whom I can talk.

[Truth be told - if everyone texted, they'd all know at the same time. But I have friends/family who resist technology - so they're the last to know.]

One of my family who didn't hear right away called me when her sister filled her in. Her first question? Are you okay? Then - "What about that other guy you were seeing....?"

Really? Because I need a guy in my life - even if it's one I didn't really like all that much? I didn't just stop seeing The Gamer because of 28YO - I stopped seeing him because I didn't want to see him anymore. That doesn't change just because it didn't work out with someone else.

"Well I just thought...you know, someone to go out with...."

I have friends that can fill that role, thank-you-very-much. Or - here's a crazy thought - I could do stuff on my own. I'm actually pretty good at that; it's comfortable - enjoyable, even.

Why do otherwise perfectly happy, confident, smart women feel like we're incomplete if we don't have a guy? If there's not a date on our calendar, or a kiss in the near future - we freak out. We panic, and scramble to fill those spots - with anyone.

I think that attitude is what gets us into these situations in the first place. We are so determined to find love, that we overlook things that we shouldn't, just to keep candidates in the hot-seat. With Big, I overlooked the fact that I was often afraid to speak up where he, and the two of us, were concerned. With 28YO, it was the fact that we were often in two different places in our life, and there were things he didn't like doing that I really wanted to be able to share with someone.

I'm not saying I was settling. I really liked both of these guys - I'd say I loved Big - and the stuff I "overlooked" wasn't a deal-breaker. Especially with Big - it was me trying to compromise, and put his needs ahead of my own. Something you do when you're in love.

I can sit here and what-if myself to death - the truth is, I'll never know if I should have overlooked those things, or if that was a mistake on my part. But what I do know is I did overlook them - and now I'm unhappy. It's a really good chance to take a look at myself, and what I might need to do differently in a future relationship (should one present itself).


  1. Great point. I can honestly say that I sit in the middle though. I used to date casually here and there because it was good practice I think - note that I said casually and not seriously emotionally, mentally or physically.

    For quite awhile I was on my own and I think if you spend to much time on your own doing your own thing (which I love and continue to do!) you get in the habit of that and it's hard to start sharing your life again if you do find that person. Friends do help fill that "void" but there are different rules to dating than friends.

  2. Agreed. The problem is, if I date casually, I run the risk of a) finding someone I really like and having my heart stomped on again or b) finding someone who really likes me and stomping on his heart.

    I'm guilty of using "I just need practice" as an excuse to keep dating when I really shouldn't, because I was afraid to be alone. Someone (usually me, sometimes not) always got hurt.

    I think some of us need to be by ourselves, no matter how scary it is, even if it's just to learn that it's okay.

    {plus my self-esteem is shot, thanks to dumb and dumber, and I need to rebuild that a bit. :)}

    This specific suggestion was a bad one; it's of the thought that a) my heart was broken, so it's okay for me to do the same to others, and b) I'm better off with someone I don't even like than I am by myself.

    I don't agree with either of those things, and I think they're both a trap for the heartbroken.