What he said

I've been doing this online dating thing for a while. I was trolling reading profiles the other day, and it occurred to me....how does someone who is new to all of this decipher what these profiles say? Do all of these guys look normal to someone who has just created her first profile?

So, I thought I'd pass along some of my own thoughts on just what a guy's profile means, when certain phrases are used. Just my observations...no experts work here.

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He says: I'm not into drama or BS.

He means: I routinely behave in such a way that drives women to create a lot of drama or BS. Then I use it as an excuse to disappear from their life.

Why: Who exactly is into drama or BS? No one, that's who. So there's no reason to point this out - unless you meet a lot of women who behave this way. If that's the case - there's probably a reason. They can't all be nuts - and you're the common denominator.

He says: I want to take things slow; I want to be friends first, and see where it goes.

He means: I have a lot of baggage. Worst case, it has made me a player; best case, I have a commitment issue, and will let you in only so far before I run away.

Why: Dude - it's a dating site. People are here for dating. If you really wanted to find friends, you'd probably join a facebook group, create a profile at Meetup.com - or just go outside.

This is how I feel when I read online profiles.

He says: Fitness is important to me, and I like a woman who is the same; I like a woman who takes care of herself in every way.

He means: I don't like fat women.

Why: I actually give these guys credit; at least they're up front (or try to be, in a nice way) about what they like. I'm a curvy girl, and personally, I'd rather know if a guy just isn't going to find me attractive, so I don't waste anyone's time. I've actually seen profiles where the guy is really a jerk about it - so I guess, if you feel like you've got to say it, this is the way to go.

He says: I'm lonely; I'm ready to settle down; I'm looking for a "good woman."

He means: I'm needy, clingy, jealous, and will bother you a lot, once I have your phone number.

Why: Every person in the history of the world who has ever created a dating profile - or even just gone out and tried to meet new people - has done so because they were a little lonely, or looking for someone. But pointing this out suggests that your loneliness defines you - which is never good.

He says: I'm looking for a traditional woman; someone with traditional values.

He means: I prefer not to cook my own meals, do my own laundry, and I'll only be involved with our kid if he needs me to coach his sports team.

Why: Honestly - this is just what I "hear" when I read this in a profile. It freaks me out. I don't consider myself traditional at all, so I guess the idea of anyone using the word scares me a bit.

He says: You should message me if you want to be treated like a princess; I know how to treat a lady.

He means: I'm convinced I know how a woman wants to be treated. So convinced, in fact, that even when she tells me she'd prefer to be treated differently, I don't believe her.

Why: The same guys who say this often tell you how laid back they are, and how their friends would all tell you what a great guy they are. They just can't believe they're still single - and refuse to believe they're at all responsible. It must be that all women are crazy (see above); otherwise, a catch like this certainly would have been hooked by now.

Not nearly as mysterious as what guys are really saying.

He says: Nothing about himself, and everything about his "perfect match."

He means: He has no sense of identity, or any intention of letting you in to get to know the real him.

Why: I agree it is nice to know what a person wants in a match. It saves time, and in some cases, heart break. But your profile is supposed to be about you. I already know who I am; I'm here to read about who you are. If you won't even tell me your favorite food or the last movie you saw...what else aren't you telling me?

He says: Anything that: misuses the words their, there, and they're; misuses it's and its; misuses your and you're; uses text speak (ur, thx); doesn't use capital letters, apostrophes, or a space after the periods (or worse - no punctuation at all).

He means: I'm an idiot, and not worth dating.

Why: He either doesn't know any better, or doesn't care enough to fix his mistakes. Which one of those guys do you want to date? Just think, if he's not paying attention to his online profile....what else won't he pay attention?