Thursday, July 5, 2012

No, I don't want to go kayaking

One thing I actually like about online dating is the fact that people can be upfront about the important stuff. Religious affiliation, political views, pets and kids, lifestyle choices, etc. can all be laid right out in the profile. Almost like a resume, you have the chance to highlight your positives, downplay (but admit) your negatives, and really demonstrate who you are.

This means that those of us looking at profiles also have a chance to search for "deal-breakers" - you know, things that, no matter the connection or attraction, we know we can't get past.

It's different than meeting someone at a party or a bar or a bookstore. Approaching someone in those settings is based purely on looks. And, because presumably at least one of you has an actual schedule, you exchange personal contact information right away. It isn't until a week of texting or emailing that you find out he's a member of some freakish cult, wears socks with sandals, or something else equally as horrible.

But online, not only can you limit communication to the site (at least at first), you can also figure out if a person meets your "minimum criteria" before even exchanging a single sentence. 

Which makes me wonder why anyone in any of the following situations would contact me.
  • Looking for a "dominant woman"
  • Looking for a tall, slender, attractive woman
  • Someone who is 23 and looking for a hook up
Not that there's anything wrong with looking for that woman - but one quick review of my profile would tell anyone that I am not her.

While we're on the subject, anyone who knows me knows that, while I'm fairly open-minded, there are some things I won't try. Ever.

Since I know I feel that way, I try very hard to make that as clear as I can in my profile. I like to keep it positive, so I don't say, "Well I'd never...." Instead, I try to convey what it is that I do enjoy - and hope that the absence of certain activities drives home the point that they aren't for me.

I include pictures that make it very clear I am neither particularly adventurous, nor tall, nor athletic; no pictures of me on a roller coaster, or a boat, or a bike. Why? Because I don't do those things (at least not regularly). I flat-out say in my profile that I am not athletic, and view exercise as something I have to do rather than want to do.

So if you're looking for someone to go kayaking with you - I'm not her. That should be obvious. But, in case it wasn't (or you're just an eternal optimist) and you message me anyway to invite me kayaking - I'm going to say no.

At which point, you can decide if what you really want is a kayaking partner. If you do - fine. Kudos for recognizing that in yourself, and being self-aware and confident enough to move forward and find your perfect match.

But don't keep asking me to be that match.

Listen - I get it. You were probably scared to kayak the first time you tried, and you probably figure I just need some encouragement. Thing is - as sure as you are that you love kayaking, that's how sure I am that I would hate it. Some women are very comfortable getting into a vessel that was designed to tip over with her still paddling, and even enjoy the challenge of learning how to get out of that conundrum.

I am not that woman. If I was, believe me, I'd say so in my profile.


  1. Bwa-hahahahahahahaha.


    I personally have been kayaking, and it's pretty cool... but going under... NOT SO MUCH FUN!

    And I recently started enjoying hiking and trail walking... but, I deffly would not list it as things I do on the regular!

    So I feel you on that one!

    This sounds like a very funny adventure!

    Did you reply back to Mr.Kayak like this?

    I imagine it saying:

    Dear Sir:
    Not interested.
    P.s: Please send your less adventurous hotter brother my way!


    1. Usually, the first message, I'll say something to the effect of, "I'm not into kayaking. Want to...." and I suggest an alternate activity.

      If he persists with the kayaking (or whatever ridiculous activity he's suggesting; I live near two big rivers and a lot of lakes, so a lot of people around here kayak) I say it sounds like we're into different things.

      If he then persists - I will respond with a much abbreviated version of my post. That usually gets rid of people, though often it means I get called a name or two before they go away.

      Which is cool - so long as they don't come back and bother me, I couldn't care less what they call me. ;)