Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Why I'm not married

Have you seen this article? If you're on twitter, you probably have. But if not, take a minute. I hate to send page views her way, but as I write this, Ms. McMillan's already had tens of thousands of likes, tweets and shares. The six or seven potential hits she gets from me won't make a bit of difference.

I think she thought she was being helpful. Or satirical. Or something. Mostly - I just think she was being bitchy. Maybe she's a little annoyed that she's paid for three weddings and has yet to get it right?

First, let me tell you - the idea that all single women want to get married is a myth. Even if a woman is dating, or in a relationship, marriage is not necessarily her ultimate goal. Some of us realize that doing something just because our family expects it or our friends are doing it is a childish, silly way to lead an adult life. "If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?" Yeah, that.

I will admit, though, that some of what she says has merit. A woman who doesn't love herself, or who confuses sex with acceptance, or who lies to keep the wrong man is not on a good path towards a happy, healthy marriage. If that's you - you probably wanna fix that before you keep looking for the guy. Because, while you're likely to find a guy, he's not likely to be the right one.

But for the record, and just in case Ms. McMillan or any of her tens of thousands of fans are wondering, there are other reasons why a woman who wants to be married might not be.

1 - She's not bitchy enough. Maybe she was a bitch in a former relationship, and got to a place in life where she just wanted to be nice to a guy. Maybe she's even been told, "You've treated me better than anyone ever has." But the truth is, the whole "be nice to a guy" thing sometimes comes at a price. Which brings me to...

2 - She's not selfish enough. Yes, it's true. She might spend so much time looking out for the guy in her life, that she forgets to look out for herself - what she wants, and what she needs. And the truth is, when you're a single, adult woman - if you don't look out for what you want and protect your own feelings, no one will.

3 - She's too forgiving. Yes, character is important. But I have it on good authority that men do not only focus on character when they search for a partner. And the truth is - neither should a woman. Because let's face it - if you're going to successfully stay with one person forever - he'd better turn you on. Will it be looks, or a sense of humor, or a drive to succeed that attracts you? It doesn't matter - but you should know what it is, and be on the lookout. Because it won't do you any good to find a guy who's willing to commit himself to you for life if you can't stand to be with him for more than a few hours at a time. Which brings me to....

4 - She thinks having sex makes her a slut. Would you buy a car without test-driving it first? Or a house without a walk-through and inspection? No? Enough said.

5 - No one is good enough for her. There are a lot of lame men out there. A lot. Don't settle. And don't let anyone tell you that it's not settling if you marry someone who you don't really love. If he can't make you laugh, smile, cry and tingle...if you don't miss him when he's gone, feel safe when he's around and want him and only him - he's not good enough. Period.

Ms. McMillan is right about one thing: If you change your views, and look for a specific type of guy in a certain setting, you're sure to find a husband. But finding a husband and finding happiness (or love) are not the same thing. So if you really want to be happy - find that first. 

The husband thing will happen in its own time.


  1. I read it last night but I have to agree with her points - if you are applying it to the women who are all "Pitty me, I'll never get married, no body loves me, why isn't someone making ME happy?"

    If you read her justifications, she's basically saying that when someone actually grows up, accepts and loves, themselves realizes that they're responsible for their own happiness and success in life and love, stops sleeping around for acceptance/validation, and realizes that the world doesn't revolve around them and they put someone else first one in awhile and/or give back that's when they get taken seriously by a guy who is really ready for that point in life.

    I think she said it in a shitty way, but her points have validity.

  2. I agree with you. But I think she said it in such an awful way, she also ended up insulting women. It's a fine line between growing up and accepting your share of the blame, and accepting too much blame and getting down on yourself. I think she's treading too closely to the line.