Friday, March 15, 2013

In my head

You may be wondering why on Earth I let this conversation go on for as long as it did.

For fun? Sort of. It was entertaining at first. For blog material? Well, I'd be lying if I said a post (or two or three) wasn't on my mind. Because I liked the guy? At one point I did, and I think a small part of me kept hoping things would take a drastic turn and maybe there could be something.

Mostly though, if I'm honest, I have to admit that I kept the conversation going because I let the guy get in my head.

He had me wondering:
Am I putting up a wall? Do I rush to judgment without giving guys a chance? Am I too critical or cynical? Am I unfair? Am I selfish? 
I wanted a chance to explain to him that he had it wrong when he thought I was mad he had rescheduled. I wanted to say to him, "I didn't care that you rescheduled; I cared that you didn't respond when I tried to confirm."

I wanted to say that he had made me uncomfortable with his innuendo, and if I had misread him, I was sorry - but that forcing me to "guess" what he meant was sort of setting me up to fail. If you insist on dropping hints rather than just being straight-forward, it's unreasonable to get upset with someone when they misread your hint. That can happen to anyone, and it's one reason hints are not a great way to communicate.

I wanted him to understand that opening the conversation with an apology and quickly turning it around to be my fault is insincere and manipulative. I wanted him to see that most of our interaction had been him pointing out my mistakes and laying blame at my feet. Doesn't it make sense I might have a wall up where he's concerned?

I had myself convinced that I wanted to say all these things so that he would see how he was wrong, and how he'd mistreated me. We could have one of those chick-flick movie moments and live happily ever after.

Then he said, "I've done nothing." In that moment, I remembered something my counselor helped me realize during my divorce.

Two people won't always agree on how a conversation or interaction is playing out. Each may only see his or her own side. If you want to be a couple, you have to find a way to agree, or at least acknowledge and try to understand where the other person is coming from.

If you can't, you probably can't be a couple, whether that means breaking up, or realizing you're never getting together. While that may seem like bad news, the good news is you can stop beating your head against the wall trying to get the other person to understand your point of view.

You don't agree - and if you're not going to be a couple, it's not necessary that you do.

I'm not even saying his observations about me were wrong - I'm just saying he wouldn't let me share my observations, and that's an issue for me. It occurred to me that this was a sign we probably don't agree on enough to ever be a couple.

I realized if we didn't need to agree, then there was no reason to try and explain my point of view. It was time to get him out of my head - so I gave myself permission to kick him out.

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