Thursday, March 28, 2013

See ya

Engineer has a friend who has a profile on dating site. He viewed some profiles last week, but didn't email anyone.

A few days later, he got an email from a woman whose profile he viewed, saying she appreciated his interest, but didn't think they were a good match.

Because he viewed her profile? I told Engineer this woman is either harsh, or stupid. Maybe both.

The story provides a nice segue into a topic that is worth kicking around...when you owe someone a "see ya" and when you can just fade away.

I'm not bothered at all by men who talk to me online or over text, and then one day just disappear. I figure it's one of the hazards of dating, especially online dating where you meet a lot of people at the same time.

I'm also not bothered by guys with whom I have a couple of dates, and they still just fade away - if the dates weren't going well. You can kind of tell if things just aren't clicking, and can almost see the fade coming before the date has even ended.

I am bothered by guys who make a big deal about really liking me, wanting to see me, talking about the future - and then disappear. I'd prefer a guy just not lay it on so thick, because I find it sets me up with false expectations. Without the expectations, we could go on dates for weeks, and if he did the fade, it wouldn't bother me.

Which brings me to my problem...

I've been on four dates with Bachelor #2. He's very, very sweet. He has laid it on thick, but I think he's prepared to back it up, so really, he's done nothing wrong.

I just don't like him.

We've been on four dates. I purposely never went overboard with flirting, or texting, or anything because I wasn't sure how I felt and didn't want to lead him on. After our last date, I hinted - strongly - that I just want to be friends. I did not hear from him again for a couple of days.

Now that I have, I feel like he deserves more than just a fade. If he was a jerk...or we'd only gone out once...I could see myself just ignoring the text and hoping he'd go away. But this is a nice person who did everything right - so he deserves better.

The idea of having an actual conversation puts knots in my stomach. I'm mostly afraid of a) hurting his feelings and b) that he'll ask for another chance, and I'll cave because he's so nice. Friends say they're sure I'll be nice - and I know I will be. But that won't change the fact that his perception could be that I led him on, and he may still be hurt and/or angry.

Guess I'm starting to understand why the fade is favored by so many. If I wasn't so concerned about doing the right thing (and honestly, my dating karma) - I'd be tempted.
By the way....if someone has just viewed your profile, you don't need to send them a "see ya" email. That would be like rejecting every guy in a bar before they ask you out.

1 comment:

  1. I just ended it with a man who I had been with on about a dozen dates. I dreaded the conversation, like it was the worst thing I was ever going to do in my life. It was difficult, because I didn't have a lot to say and didn't want to be asked a lot of questions. The simple matter of it was that I wasn't attracted to him physically. He is a very nice man, and I was worried that he'd talk me into seeing him again, but I was firm, no waffling. I too was worried about hurting him, and I think I did, but he was gracious about it in the end. He wants to be friends. So it ended well.