Pimpin ain't easy

When I told you I had two first dates in the same night, I promised to tell you more about Pimp. I always keep my promises.

I actually approached him on Plenty of Fish; his pictures seemed like he'd have a slightly urban edge, but he was pretty attractive, and I liked his profile. We started chatting, and honestly - I wasn't really feeling him. He used very short-handed text (which I dislike) and his tone was also....urban (aka - not very good English).

But then he told me his first name. It was so unusual, and sounded made up. I decided it was worth meeting him just to see if it was really his first name.

We met at a place with counter service, for drinks. I was looking to keep it informal, and non-committed because honestly - I didn't see this going anywhere. That turned out to be an excellent choice.

He was very nice; polite, easy to talk with, fun, considerate...all the things a guy should be.

He also took four phone calls in the hour that we sat together - which is amazing when you consider that he is unemployed. He rolled up in a luxury sedan wearing more bling than I (which, if you know me, is no small task) - and he's unemployed. His kids are grown - but something is going on that is so important he has to take that many phone calls.

"What did you do?" I asked, thinking maybe he made a lot of money when he was working.

Social services was his answer. Trust me - no one in the line of work he mentioned is getting rich.

OK - so he's unemployed, rolling in luxury, and came from a modest living. He takes phone calls that are too important to let be for an hour.

I assumed he must be either a pimp, a dealer, or a bookie.

As it turns out, he had even more drama. He told me he owned a house in the same city I live. "Well - I used to own a house. Now I live in an apartment. I lost my house because I got a DWI a few years ago and had to go to prison."

I beg your pardon?


"That's not really me," he said. "I was depressed. My wife gave birth to a child who was obviously not mine; I found out in the delivery room. You probably know my wife..." Then he went on to (publicly) name a local celebrity to whom he was once married.

I couldn't make this stuff up if I wanted - but it does validate my preference for first dates where there is a quick, easy exit.

In case you're wondering - yes, the funky name is really his first name, and no, we did not ever have a second date. Dude's too busy, and I never date anyone who has better accessories than I.

Lonely fairy tales with issues

"But why would a guy do that?" 

I demanded answers from a couple of guy friends, about a new-to-me male-behavior I recently encountered:

Men who randomly keep in touch with their exes. 

I've actually never experienced this myself - but apparently, it's not outside the norm. Big and I stayed in contact - but only online (twitter, the occasional facebook post, etc.). Nothing personal; in fact, our interaction was largely limited to conversations that included mutual friends. There was no way to interpret the contact as anything other than friendly.

But this new behavior is an ex who contacts someone after a breakup, followed by a long absence. What's the point, I wondered. Is it a personality thing? Ever curious about people's behavior, I questioned a few women. They all felt it was a game, and the woman should ignore the guy.

So, I asked my guy friends.

"He wants to keep her as a backup, in case nothing else comes along, or whatever does come along doesn't work." 

"He might be lonely." 

"Maybe he realized he screwed up. He still has issues, though." 

So, what we have is a lonely man with issues, stringing a woman along until he's absolutely sure he's done with her? 

I bet Disney Imagineers are working on the fairy tale as we speak.

Two is better than one

Two is better than one when it comes to eyes...ears...hands...shoes...earrings....

Not necessarily "dates in one night."

But, that's what I did, about two weeks after updating my online dating profiles. It didn't start out that way. In fact, when I left for work that morning, I had every intention of hitting the nail salon and the gym in the evening.

Then Pimp texted to ask if I wanted to meet for a quick bite. He offered a place near work, that would be very quick - more on that later - and I accepted. I might need to skip my nails, but I could still make the gym.

Then Morgan texted me and asked if I was busy; his plans with his kids had changed, and he was hoping we could get together (it would be our first date). I wasn't giving up a chance at that; so I said sure, but I would need to text when I was done with my "friend."

I've gone on more than one date in a day before. But it's usually meet one for coffee (as a first date) and one for dinner (as a second or third date). I've never gone on two first dates within two hours.

I have to say - not something I recommend.

If you actually like first dates - maybe. I do not. I hate repeating the same basic spiel - my "story" - over and over; to have to do it twice in a couple of hours? Torture.

Not to mention - both guys wanted to go for food. Not having planned better, I didn't leave myself an out. So by the time I got home, I was full - and didn't have time for the gym.

It also left me no time for myself. On a Saturday, a breakfast date followed by a dinner date later is fine. I'm left with plenty of GGS time in between. But squeezing in two dates after work? No time at all. Not a good plan.

But we know I like my lessons. The moral of this story?

When you're single, you always need to be dressed as though your next date is just around the corner. 

Stirring things up with Match

You may have seen the match.com TV commercials for their 'Stir Events.'

The commercial gives you a good idea of how it works. You need a premium, paid subscription to Match.com. When they're organizing an event in your area, you'll receive an email invitation. You RSVP; you'll get a couple of reminders, and your name will be on a list at the event.

(Your invite and reminders warn you that if you RSVP yes, not showing up or canceling could affect your receipt of invites to future events. Basically - match is looking to fill these events, and no-shows don't fit the plan.)

So, I signed up. I wasn't overly interested; I'd already met Sparrow, and wanted to see where that might lead. But my curiosity got the best of me. 

According to the commercials, they organize all kinds of events - wine tastings, bowling, cooking classes, etc. My event (the first locally) was a happy hour. The venue was a small bar which, it turns out, was closed off to the public for the event. Not only that - match had the TVs at the bar turned off, to encourage us to talk to each other, rather than get distracted. 

(They did not have us turn in our phones.)

So how was it? Well, first of all, it really was just a happy hour. A local bar, nice atmosphere, filled with more women than men, most of whom were drinking. Some sitting at the bar, a few at tables, and some just standing around. Women congregated to once side, men to the other (like a high school dance); there were a few brave souls who ventured into the middle and mixed it up a bit. 

Happy hours are not really my thing. I don't drink, and I always feel out of my element in a bar or lounge. A sports bar, where I can watch a baseball game? Fine. Trivia? OK. But just standing around in a bar, trying to talk to strangers? Meh - not really my thing.

But - don't knock it til ya try it, right? 

I have to say - there is one major difference between the Match event and a regular happy hour: You walk in knowing that everyone in the room is single, and looking to meet new people. It's also obvious, after about 5 minutes, that every one of them - even the ridiculously good-looking - feel as awkward as you.

There's something a little empowering about knowing you're not alone.

I went on my own; it took about 3 minutes to locate a group of women who were friendly and, it turned out, a lot of fun. If you're really too scared to go it alone - your invite will probably allow you to bring a friend. Take them up on that offer. No single friends? Who cares! Bring a married friend. Hey, you just need the company, and this way, you're not really adding to the competition. 

If it comes down to going alone, or not going at all - go. Step outside your comfort zone; try something new. Hey - if you're trying to meet someone, and haven't yet, maybe it's time to try something different. Maybe an event like this is exactly what you need. 

If it doesn't work out - you'll at least have a good story.

Change of plans

This week, I am

It was supposed to be like this.

But instead, it's more like this.

I'm OK with that. See ya next week.

Going the distance

Ever see that movie? I just love Justin Long, and I have a girl-crush on Drew Barrymore.

Anyway....

The couple in that movie have a very long distance romance - he's in New York, she's in San Franciso. I remember thinking when I watched the movie that there is no way I could ever do a long distance relationship.

Fast forward almost two years, my feelings on relationships have changed a bit. I'm no longer opposed to the LDR. In fact, I have two friends who have both had a fair amount of success with relationships that involved a distance of about 150 miles. I can see the advantage, especially after spending time on my own. I like my space; an LDR lets me keep it to myself.

So I wasn't opposed to chatting with Sparrow when he contacted me through Plenty of Fish. Cute, the right age, and no misspelled words or grammatical errors in his profile.

It was one of the best conversations I've ever had with a person right off the bat. Tons of chemistry, a lot in common, and he got my humor, even through email and text messages. Of course, he lives about 100 miles south.

We seized the opportunity of a mid-week holiday, and met about half-way for fireworks and hot dogs on the Fourth of July. I tweeted I had a date that might be worthy of a new outfit - and he was! We had a fabulous first date that lasted about 10 hours - and ended with a bang.

Great, right? But here's the thing...

I'm starting to see what some people don't like about the distance. Sure, it's nice to have your own space. But what about when you don't want that distance? I love a little spontaneity; a quick text to see if you want to meet for ice cream, or a movie, or check out a free concert. There's none of that when your date is 100 miles away.

Don't get me wrong - I love the big dates. I love planing my outfit, getting excited, and anticipating the fun we'll have together. But when everything is an activity, you do lose a little bit. Everything is fun, days are jam-packed with stuff to do; you don't really have a chance to just sit around after work and watch the news. Or see what the person is like when you're running mundane errands.

I suppose it might make a difference if we'd established a relationship first - and then it became long distance. But that's not my situation; and he seems to great to just walk away.

So, do I try to make this work? Work through the questions and uncertainty? Try to figure out this whole new set of rules.

Sounds like the plan - at least for now.

The one where the Russian almost dies

I bet I've never told you this story. I think I've written about elsewhere, but it happened so long before I started this blog, I don't think it ever made its way into GGS dating lore.

I met this guy online, and we started chatting via IM (on Yahoo; I like to keep my dates there until I know if they deserve gmail status). He'd said more than once that he really wanted to take me out to dinner.

He seemed nice enough; he was Russian, and had a really cool name. But - he lived with his parents, and was a bit younger than me. Having just returned to the US after school (when I say he was Russian - he was Russian), he was unemployed. Which doesn't really help his case, but does serve to explain the living situation.

I turned him down several times, until my housemate suggested I give him a real chance. So, I told him we could meet later that week, and asked if he'd like to chat for a bit that night, since I was home. He did.

Him: What should we talk about?
Me: The usual; movies, TV, same-sex marriage.

In hindsight, I'm sure I was trying to bait him into a conversation that would give me a valid reason to cancel the date. Quite passive-aggressive of me, and really wasn't a concious decision - even if it was effective.

Him: I'm opposed to it.
Me: Mind if I ask why?
Him: You should be, too. Same-sex marriage will deteriorate the importance our society places on marriage. Eventually, that means that spouses won't be given things like health benefits. As a woman, that should worry you, because the wife needs those benefits.
Me: Are you saying the wife is always dependent on the husband?
Him: Yes, because women are the weaker sex.
Me: So now you're telling me I'm weak?
Him: It doesn't surprise me that you would look at it that way. Most women can't have this conversation, because they are irrational.

I cancelled the date, and I never did meet him for ice cream. I thought it best for everyone involved if I was never given the chance to react to his statements in person.

Don't call me, maybe

Apparently, Mr. Kayak felt he hadn't sufficiently turned me off by repeatedly trying to convince me he knows me better than I know myself. He searched and searched for the final nail for his coffin, securing that we will, in fact, never go on a date.

Who says it doesn't pay to be persistent?

He caught me online on a Friday night, and he asked if I had plans for the weekend. I did, actually (if my plan is to relax in my yard with a book on Sunday afternoon - that is a plan, not something from which I need rescuing).

"When do you have time to date?" he asked.

"Ya gotta get in there early!" I said. Then I felt bad. "Kidding. We could get something to eat Sunday evening if you'd like." This allowed me to accept his invitation, and not interrupt my day.

He said he'd text me Saturday to confirm. He did.

Hi, baby! Hope you're having a good day!

Well, I was. My reply?

Day is great. Do me a favor? Don't call me baby. Or babe. Not really a nickname person.

He was either so caught off guard, or so annoyed by what I said, that he never confirmed our date. I was so irritated and turned off, I didn't bother, either.

Here's my thing....

If I get a text that is already generic, and on top of that, I'm referred to as "baby" or "babe" or "hun" or whatever, I picture the guy pressing keys on his phone and sending that same, generic - probably saved - text message to a whole distribution list of women. I picture his contact list something like:

POF Brunette
OKC Weight Lifter
POF Blonde
Match Big Boobs
POF Glasses

In other words, you've collected a bunch of phone numbers and all you care about is building up your dating potential. You don't care who I am, what I do, what I like - or possibly what my name is. So you call me "baby."

[Which also probably explains why you keep suggesting an activity I've repeatedly told you I'm not interested in trying. You don't know me from that other girl in your list who does like to kayak.]

I'm flattered I made your list. Now please remove me, and lose my number. Maybe don't call me - baby.

Dating is an intergalactic battle

"...Tell your friends....blog about it...."

That's what Engineer said about this guy who keeps popping back up in his circle of friends. The guy dated Engineer's ex, and then a lot of other women, and now he is (or was) dating a friend of a friend. It's a small world, after all.

Anyway, I guess the guy is a real winner. By winner, I mean he is good-looking, seems nice and friendly - and then cheats on his girlfriends, and sleeps with anything that passes him on the street.

I told Engineer there are lot of guys out there who present as being perfectly normal - and then they turn on you. That's the thing that makes finding a good guy so difficult - and, as I recently explained to X, is why guys like this sometimes end up with my phone number. On the outside, they are good-looking, seem nice, friendly, smart, funny...all the things that make a "normal" guy. You don't see the truth until it's too late, and your're left scrambling with your cellular provider to block the phone number.

It's sort of like that 80's show V. OK, I'm dating myself a little here - first it was a mini-series, then it was a very short-lived TV series. A couple of years ago, one of the networks tried to resurrect it - and failed.

The basic story is a race of aliens comes to earth, saying that they are from a dying planet and in need of some of Earth's resources. They ask for our help, and in exchange, offer some of their own technological advances (cures for diseases, energy sources, etc.). They look like us, speak our languages, even have the same mannerisms.

At some point, we find out that they are really here to harvest humans - they need our blood to survive. Turns out, they're really reptilian, and don't look human at all - they're all wearing fake skin, contact lenses, and little doo-dads to translate their words into whatever language they want.

It's all a ruse, just to gain our trust, so they can get what they want - and it works. By the time people figure out what was going on and try to fight back, the aliens are in control of the most powerful countries.

Which, if you think about it, isn't all that different from dating. We put our best foot forward when we first go on dates; wearing our best clothes, being all witty and smart with our conversation, going to places where we know we'll be fun. We don't start to show our real colors - a temper, a runny nose, no makeup - until we feel secure enough that the other person won't run away.

By the time you find out who you're really dating - you're already in the relationship so deep, it's too late to get out (even if you want).

So, it all boils down to this: Dating is nothing but an intergalactic battle with a flesh-eating alien race that wants to suck us in, and then devour us whole.

No wonder I'm so tired.

Comfort zone

Engineer kayaks. When he read this post from last week, he got nervous I was talking about him (I obviously wasn't). My response to him went something like:

See, if you asked me to go kayaking, I would think, "Hmmm - he knows me well enough to know what I'd enjoy and what I wouldn't. He'd never suggest something unless he thought I might have fun. So maybe I should consider it."

He (the date) is suggesting it because he likes it, with no regard for what I like. When I say I'm not interested, he tries to convince me otherwise. I think he means it to be encouraging – which it might be, if I said I want to go but I’m afraid. That’s not what I said. I said I don’t want to go – and trying to convince me that I do comes across as condescending, not encouraging.

I also know you, and I trust you not to leave me stranded in the middle of a lake if I can’t paddle, or I flip over, or something. So it’s completely different if you invite me, versus a guy I've never even met in person.

I'm all for adventure. I like to explore and try new things. I'm certain there are people out there who take bigger risks than I, but I'll always try to keep an open mind.

Like I said to Engineer, I'm actually not completely opposed to kayaking (or other, similar, outdoorsy type stuff). But, it's definitely outside my comfort zone. When I step outside my zone, I need to be with someone I know, and who I trust. I need to not be worried about making a fool of myself, or feeling vulnerable.

That's not a first date. A first date is about getting to know someone, and starting to feel comfortable. So asking me to go someplace I've never been, to do something that scares me to death, with someone I don't yet know how much I can trust? That's too much to ask for a first date.

Way too much.

Keep it simple, and maybe we'll work our way up to kayaking, or bike riding, or hiking, or whatever. 

If you're really lucky - maybe I'll even take you shoe shopping one day.

Gimme a boost

So, like I said, I met this guy who is smart, funny, incredibly handsome, sexy as all get-out, has money, and very little (visible) baggage.

Like I also said, he didn't really stick around long enough to stay in the picture.

Which, naturally, got me wondering - what's the point? 


(It's entirely possible I think way too much.)

Be that as it may...I'm still curious about people; what makes them tick, how they behave and why, their interactions, their motivation, etc. I'm also endlessly curious about their interaction with me. What makes someone appear in my life, only to disappear just as quickly?

In this case, I've decided that Morgan's purpose in my life was probably to give me a much-needed ego boost.

If you're a regular reader, you may remember that my self-esteem took a major hit after the breakup with Trooper, especially when it comes to my looks. As much as I might like to think I can recover from that all on my own (which I am doing, by the way) - catching the eye of a smart, sexy, successful, handsome man can't hurt.

Sure, he didn't stick around - but that doesn't matter. What I needed was someone, who I would normally have thought of as way out of my league, to take notice; to show some interest, and prove to me that a guy like that a) does exist and b) could actually like me.

I didn't really need someone who was going to be in it for the long haul. I can't commit to a long haul with anyone right now anyway. I don't really need anyone to fall hopelessly in love with me.

Not just yet, anyway.

Quantity, not quality

A common complaint about online dating is the shear number of people you can meet at one time. Which is great - if you're looking to hook-up, or learn how to use different features to manage contacts on your phone. But if you're looking for that one special person....meeting a whole baseball team of guys at once is less than convenient.

If you're looking to fill a dating blog with posts? Perfect.

Which is why - for the forseeable future, anyway - you may notice posts about a variety of guys. Some are guys I've met recently; some may be stories from dates past. Most of these guys never made it past date one (or maybe two) - but like I always say, everything is blog fodder.

I guess this post is sort of my disclaimer:

I'm not a slut, or an attention-whore. I'm not a player. I don't use people. And, though I may have joked in the past, I don't date just to get free meals.

If you read about a lot of dates in the same week, it's likely I didn't even go on all those dates that close together - I just wrote about them all at once. Sometimes I have a bunch of dates in a week - and then some months, I don't have any dates at all.

Online dating is purely a numbers game; the more people you approach, the more people you meet. The more people you meet, the more likely you are should be to meet the right person.

It has to start somewhere. In online dating, it really starts with quantity - not always quality.

What he said

I've been doing this online dating thing for a while. I was trolling reading profiles the other day, and it occurred to me....how does someone who is new to all of this decipher what these profiles say? Do all of these guys look normal to someone who has just created her first profile?

So, I thought I'd pass along some of my own thoughts on just what a guy's profile means, when certain phrases are used. Just my observations...no experts work here.

***********************************************

He says: I'm not into drama or BS.

He means: I routinely behave in such a way that drives women to create a lot of drama or BS. Then I use it as an excuse to disappear from their life.

Why: Who exactly is into drama or BS? No one, that's who. So there's no reason to point this out - unless you meet a lot of women who behave this way. If that's the case - there's probably a reason. They can't all be nuts - and you're the common denominator.

He says: I want to take things slow; I want to be friends first, and see where it goes.

He means: I have a lot of baggage. Worst case, it has made me a player; best case, I have a commitment issue, and will let you in only so far before I run away.

Why: Dude - it's a dating site. People are here for dating. If you really wanted to find friends, you'd probably join a facebook group, create a profile at Meetup.com - or just go outside.

This is how I feel when I read online profiles.

He says: Fitness is important to me, and I like a woman who is the same; I like a woman who takes care of herself in every way.

He means: I don't like fat women.

Why: I actually give these guys credit; at least they're up front (or try to be, in a nice way) about what they like. I'm a curvy girl, and personally, I'd rather know if a guy just isn't going to find me attractive, so I don't waste anyone's time. I've actually seen profiles where the guy is really a jerk about it - so I guess, if you feel like you've got to say it, this is the way to go.

He says: I'm lonely; I'm ready to settle down; I'm looking for a "good woman."

He means: I'm needy, clingy, jealous, and will bother you a lot, once I have your phone number.

Why: Every person in the history of the world who has ever created a dating profile - or even just gone out and tried to meet new people - has done so because they were a little lonely, or looking for someone. But pointing this out suggests that your loneliness defines you - which is never good.

He says: I'm looking for a traditional woman; someone with traditional values.

He means: I prefer not to cook my own meals, do my own laundry, and I'll only be involved with our kid if he needs me to coach his sports team.

Why: Honestly - this is just what I "hear" when I read this in a profile. It freaks me out. I don't consider myself traditional at all, so I guess the idea of anyone using the word scares me a bit.

He says: You should message me if you want to be treated like a princess; I know how to treat a lady.

He means: I'm convinced I know how a woman wants to be treated. So convinced, in fact, that even when she tells me she'd prefer to be treated differently, I don't believe her.

Why: The same guys who say this often tell you how laid back they are, and how their friends would all tell you what a great guy they are. They just can't believe they're still single - and refuse to believe they're at all responsible. It must be that all women are crazy (see above); otherwise, a catch like this certainly would have been hooked by now.

Not nearly as mysterious as what guys are really saying.

He says: Nothing about himself, and everything about his "perfect match."

He means: He has no sense of identity, or any intention of letting you in to get to know the real him.

Why: I agree it is nice to know what a person wants in a match. It saves time, and in some cases, heart break. But your profile is supposed to be about you. I already know who I am; I'm here to read about who you are. If you won't even tell me your favorite food or the last movie you saw...what else aren't you telling me?

He says: Anything that: misuses the words their, there, and they're; misuses it's and its; misuses your and you're; uses text speak (ur, thx); doesn't use capital letters, apostrophes, or a space after the periods (or worse - no punctuation at all).

He means: I'm an idiot, and not worth dating.

Why: He either doesn't know any better, or doesn't care enough to fix his mistakes. Which one of those guys do you want to date? Just think, if he's not paying attention to his online profile....what else won't he pay attention?

A story for the ages - Continued

Continued from here....

I'd already ignored several texts, but the "come see me, we'll make out" got under my skin.

Me: I'm not going to come see you. I cancelled our date. Take care.

Him: Do you think I'm ugly?

Me: Do NOT text me again.

Him: U think I'm ugly :(

Him: Whats your email?

Me: You're freaking me out with all these texts. Think we just need to not talk anymore.

Him: Ur just not being honest I dont believe that age difference sh*t

Him: U didnt like my pics

Me: I'm always honest. At first, it was the age difference. Now, it's the incessant texting. Which, by the way, proves that the age difference would be a problem.

Me: As does the fact that you think I select who to keep in my life based on their looks. That's immaturity. You should stick with girls your own age.

Him: So its better to shut someone out because they actually try to talk to u instead of ignore u?

Me: In a case like this, where I already told you how I feel - yes.

Him: U said you didn't wanna date u didnt say you didnt wanna talk or chill

Me: You asked if I wanted to make out, then asked if I think you're ugly. I'm 38 - not wanting to date means not making out. And ugly or not isn't an issue.

Him: Ur too serious lighten up

Me: Well, there ya go. I'm too old for you.

Him: Just some advice, you wont get anywhere with guys with ur attitude

Me: Thanks for the insight.

.....and the texts continued until Engineer (thank goodness for him) was able to tell me how to block them from my phone, which has been blissfully quiet since.

Looking back - I shouldn't have even talked to him. Where possible, I've set privacy settings on the dating sites to prevent people from contacting me unless they meet a certain age criteria. Where not possible - I guess I'll just have to be more careful.

A story for the ages

So, I told you I knew that even if I don't meet the love of my life this time around, I figured I'd at least meet some people, and go on a few dates.

Of course, that means blog fodder. I know you've been wanting to hear the stories....so here's one for the ages.

About a week (maybe less) of being online, I met a guy we'll call Artist - because that's what he fancies himself. He emailed me (which almost never happens), and was good looking, and actually seemed rather nice. The catch? He was seven years younger, and that's well below my normal, allowable age difference.

But like I said - he seemed cool. We chatted a bit, and eventually exchanged phone numbers so we could text. I wasn't flirty, because I truly wasn't sure if I could ever see a future with a guy that much younger. I was trying not to lead him on.

About a week later, he really started bugging me about meeting in person. I agreed - and immediately had regrets. I thought about it over night and realized that no matter what, I just couldn't get past the age difference. This was totally about me. I felt like dating a guy that much younger could potentially mean we would grow apart, and I also knew I'd always be worried that he'd leave me for someone younger/prettier/thinner/all of the above.

I cancelled our date, and was completely honest about why. Told him I didn't want to lead him on, and felt that keeping the date would do just that. Told him that I talked to him in the first place because he seemed cool, and I was attracted to him, and I thought maybe I could get past the age difference - but I realized I couldn't, and didn't want to pursue anything more.

He did not believe me. Or hear me, it seems.

At first he tried to convince me he was really mature for his age, and that I shouldn't let a "small difference" get in the way. You only live once! he said. I repeated my concerns - and he said,

Thanks for ruining my day.

Then he posted a facebook status (I've since unfriended him), saying,

Looking to meet some new people. All the old ones suck.

Well that seemed uncalled for. 

He texted me again:

Come meet me. I'm at the mall - we can make out.

No, I'm not kidding.

At this point, I was just irritated.

To be continued.....

No, I don't want to go kayaking

One thing I actually like about online dating is the fact that people can be upfront about the important stuff. Religious affiliation, political views, pets and kids, lifestyle choices, etc. can all be laid right out in the profile. Almost like a resume, you have the chance to highlight your positives, downplay (but admit) your negatives, and really demonstrate who you are.

This means that those of us looking at profiles also have a chance to search for "deal-breakers" - you know, things that, no matter the connection or attraction, we know we can't get past.

It's different than meeting someone at a party or a bar or a bookstore. Approaching someone in those settings is based purely on looks. And, because presumably at least one of you has an actual schedule, you exchange personal contact information right away. It isn't until a week of texting or emailing that you find out he's a member of some freakish cult, wears socks with sandals, or something else equally as horrible.

But online, not only can you limit communication to the site (at least at first), you can also figure out if a person meets your "minimum criteria" before even exchanging a single sentence. 

Which makes me wonder why anyone in any of the following situations would contact me.

• Looking for a "dominant woman"
• Looking for a tall, slender, attractive woman
• Someone who is 23 and looking for a hook up

Not that there's anything wrong with looking for that woman - but one quick review of my profile would tell anyone that I am not her.

While we're on the subject, anyone who knows me knows that, while I'm fairly open-minded, there are some things I won't try. Ever.

Since I know I feel that way, I try very hard to make that as clear as I can in my profile. I like to keep it positive, so I don't say, "Well I'd never...." Instead, I try to convey what it is that I do enjoy - and hope that the absence of certain activities drives home the point that they aren't for me.

I include pictures that make it very clear I am neither particularly adventurous, nor tall, nor athletic; no pictures of me on a roller coaster, or a boat, or a bike. Why? Because I don't do those things (at least not regularly). I flat-out say in my profile that I am not athletic, and view exercise as something I have to do rather than want to do.

So if you're looking for someone to go kayaking with you - I'm not her. That should be obvious. But, in case it wasn't (or you're just an eternal optimist) and you message me anyway to invite me kayaking - I'm going to say no.

At which point, you can decide if what you really want is a kayaking partner. If you do - fine. Kudos for recognizing that in yourself, and being self-aware and confident enough to move forward and find your perfect match.

But don't keep asking me to be that match.

Listen - I get it. You were probably scared to kayak the first time you tried, and you probably figure I just need some encouragement. Thing is - as sure as you are that you love kayaking, that's how sure I am that I would hate it. Some women are very comfortable getting into a vessel that was designed to tip over with her still paddling, and even enjoy the challenge of learning how to get out of that conundrum.

I am not that woman. If I was, believe me, I'd say so in my profile.

Just fascinating

Less than a week after I updated my online profiles, I met this guy*. He approached me (which almost never happens). He seemed interested - after only a few IMs back and forth, we exchanged phone numbers. The next day, I spoke to him on the phone (which I never do) for about an hour. And he even called me back later that night. He suggested a date later that week, and then called me to wish me a good night. The next day, he suggested maybe we could get together - and two days later, we went on a second date.

Then - nothing. I was busy that weekend, and we texted a bit. Talked on the phone one more time...a few more texts...and then the following Friday, I asked if he wanted to get together over the weekend. 

<crickets>

As I write this, I haven't heard from him (that was more than two days ago), and I know he's online because the handy-dandy dating site told me when I signed in earlier to retrieve a message. He's not techy, so if he's showing up online, it's because he's actually sitting at his computer. 

Smart guy...incredibly handsome...older....with money....and appeared to have very little drama. So it's not actually surprising he decided he wasn't interested (I rarely get to keep the normal ones). 

Of course I don't know him well enough to care about him. But, as I said to my best friend, I'm simply fascinated by this aspect of dating. He was obviously attracted enough to approach me, ask me out on one date, then keep calling me, and go on a second date. He said he liked to take things slow, so we did, and I really only talked/texted with him when he wanted.

In that situation, what makes a guy just up and decide he's no longer interested? I'm not even talking about just me at this point. I've talked to other women, and even other men, who say the same thing has happened to them. After one conversation? I get that. I can even see losing interest after just one date. 

But after a couple dates, when he went out of his way to keep things going - what changes? Is it a game? Is it because he decides there's not enough of a challenge? Is he one of those guys that's afraid to date, so he sticks to women with whom he'd never get serious? 

Just fascinating. 

*I've decided to call him Morgan, because half way through our second date, I decided this was probably what it was like to be on a date with Shemar Moore. Him looking positively irresistible, everyone looking at him wondering, "How did she get a date with him?" and me, trying not to drop food in my lap.

Happily single

I really do love love. I think the idea of finding that one person with whom you can share your life is just magical.

I know a lot of people expect divorcees to feel differently. We're supposed to be jaded against marriage, and think the whole idea is a sham, or whatever. But I don't feel that way. I liked being married. I liked being a wife; knowing that I had someone to come home to, and that someone was counting on me, too. I liked the feeling of stability and contentment that only comes from having a long-term, lifetime commitment. 

Sure, being divorced, I realize that "lifetime" and "forever" are tough to achieve. But that's true of anything worth having. I happen to think love is worth the effort.

This feeling is met with some....doubt. Seems my tendency to want a relationship is perceived as weak, or dependent, or, I don't know...pathetic. 

To anyone who agrees - I'm really sorry you feel that way. You couldn't be more wrong.

You're confusing "I want a relationship" with "I want to be in love." They're not the same thing. Listen to the difference. 

"I want a relationship" - 

I am afraid to be alone. I will date anyone remotely fitting my very general and negotiable criteria, in the hopes that he will stay with me. Anyone who does stay with me will automatically be elevated to relationship status, and I will try to make it "stick" as quickly as possible. This way, I won't have to be alone - because we all know, it's better to be with someone for the wrong reasons, than to be alone for any reason.

"I want to be in love" -

I'm very happy being single. In fact, I actually enjoy single-hood. I just happen to be of the mindset that life is more fun when it's shared with one special person. I am very self-aware. I am also confident and independent enough to lead a happy, fulfilling life on my own. I just also know that if I meet the right person, he could add so much to that happiness. I won't stop looking for him, or close myself off to the possibility. But I also won't settle. 

I'm not weak. I'm not pathetic. I'm not dependent - on anyone. In fact - I'm just the opposite.

I'm an independent woman who can take care of herself, live on her own, and make her own choices. I'm also confident enough to stand behind those choices. 

I choose to hope believe that someday, I'll meet the right person. 

Until then - I choose to be happily single.